Corpse-looking Mascot to Lead Cubs to Victory in 2009

Friday, March 13, 2009

Corpse-looking Mascot to Lead Cubs to Victory in 2009

. Friday, March 13, 2009

For each one of us, there exists that certain thing that would send us into cardiac arrest were it encountered in the middle of the night, when we feel most scared and vulnerable. This isn't mine, but I'm sure it's somebody's:

Ahh! Fuck! Kill it! Send it back to Hell!

That, dear friends, is what happens when the developed world's most repressed society decides to cut loose. Metaphorically. It is, in reality, a rotting statue of our beloved Colonel Harlan Sanders. So the story goes, 24 years ago, the Hanshin Tigers won the Japanese championship. I believe the full name of this event is the "Super Terrific Happytime Stickball Fun Fight. Congratulation!" The fans, as they are wont to do, began jumping into the river by order of their resemblance to players on the Hanshin team ...

Okay, I know that this seems bizarre, but please do gauge this in relativity to the fact that this is also the culture who invented the "tentacle rape" genre of animation. (No, you don't get a link. I'm not Googling that shit.) Moving on ...

Randy Bass hits a dinger, to which the fans respond "oh no! We must flee. Nothing can defeat Gojira."

The bridge-jumping was going swimmingly (HEY-O!), only they didn't have anyone who looked like American-born Randy Bass, who had whomped the shit out of Central League pitching the entire season. So they took the nearest approximation of an American with facial hair and plunked that into the drink. That thing just so happened to be the Colonel.

tigers bra
I reckon this makes sense in some sort of context, somewhere

Apparently the mob forgot about this when they sobered up, and the Colonel stayed in the icy depths, getting mad pissed. The world-beating Hanshin Tigers then proceeded to go on a (relatively mild) championship drought, winning two pennants, but falling short of river-jumping glory. Until now, that is (or so the theory goes). Now that the Colonel has been resurrected, the Tigers are hoping they can lay to rest the Curse of the Colonel. It's gotten enough press to where a blogger in Chicago is telling you about it. The Hanshin Tigers and KFC, being stand-up motherfuckers, have offered the services of the Colonel to our Boys in Blue, in the effort to reverse our curse. KFC says they can get us the Colonel by Opening Day. And I sincerely hope that they do - there's no such thing as too much spectacle at Wrigley on game day. Of course, I'm sure we won't take them up on it, because Cubs management could do without the crap-ton of KFC ads that would doubtless accompany the event. Hilarious, still.

The famous "cat with indigestion" logo

So here's to you, Hanshin Tigers (even though I'm more of a Chunichi Dragons guy). May we both break the bonds of ridiculous debatably extant curses this coming season. And further ...


Holy shit. I just found out that Japan's playoffs have a stage called the "Climax Series Central." BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I love Japanese baseball.