You Win Suck, You Lose Suck

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

You Win Suck, You Lose Suck

. Tuesday, February 3, 2009


Next message: "See ya later, suckass!"

In a pair of moves that solidifies our ambivalence over recent moves, the Cubs last week signed former catcher Paul Bako and yesterday dealt Rich Hill to the Orioles and Michael Wuertz to the Athletics. Hooray for meh!

Can you look at this man and say "the difference maker" without cracking up?

Bako had his first go-round with the Cubs from 2003-2004, when he hit .229 and .203, respectively. If sucking at the plate was herpes, Bako ... umm ... would have lots of herpes. Yeah! The real indicator of sucking here is the fact that I'd rather see a guy who sawed his own hand off behind the plate on Geo's off days. Seriously. The best I can say about the guy is that he broke .270 once. In his rookie year. Back in 1998. Let's compare Bako to the man we're losing - Henry "Crazy-Eyes" Blanco. In fairness, it would have cost us $3 million to pick up the option for 2009 on Blanco's contract. I think we're paying Bako in hot dogs and Cubs merch.

Hitting

Bako - .217 in 2008

Blanco - .292 in 2008

EDGE: Blanco (let's not compare the career numbers)

Defense

Bako - .993 FP in 2008

Blanco - .992 FP in 2008

EDGE: Bako

Eyes

Bako - Normal

Blanco - Crazy

EDGE: Blanco

Prison

Bako - Will most likely not shank your motherfuckin ass

Blanco - Will shank your motherfuckin ass

EDGE: Blanco
Tattoos

Bako - Dolphin on ankle

Blanco - Prison ink

EDGE: Bako (what can we say, we dig Lisa Frank)

Intangibles

Bako - Made final out of 2003 NLCS

Blanco - Is not Paul Bako
EDGE: Blanco

Sharpening toothbrushes on cinder block is tiring!

Good luck, Henry.


Get yours now for the bargain price of $49.95, before other stupid people do!

As for the whole Rich Hill debacle, Steve brought up a hell of a point. We've let Hill and Pie go to the Orioles for what baseball insiders term "dick." A year ago, those two could have been exchanged for Brian Roberts. Damn, that's depressing. At least I won't have to keep scouring minor league Web sites to figure out in which locale our former top prospect is walking batters. I guess that Zambrano/Wood/Prior/Hill rotation is never going to happen.

I still think we should have put a bat in his hands - it worked for Rick Ankiel.


Looking like this, Wuertz could have been a number of things - Nazi villain in a B-movie, cyborg sent to the past to kill Sarah Connor, or jerk boyfiend in a romantic comedy where her best friend has been her soulmate all along. Instead, he chose to make mop-up situations more exciting by giving up home runs. Longest caption ever.

Oh, and my analysis on the Michael Wuertz trade? Thank fuck. Wuertz stunk up Wrigley last year worse than a gym sock full of burning hair. We could have gotten two cases of Totino's Pizza Rolls for him and we'd still have come out ahead.


"Peavy's comin', he is!"

This is all leading up to Peavy - at least, that's what Steve says. The man clutches to hope like a filthy Dickensian orphan digging his scabbed fingers into a feculent horse blanket. Nature of the Cubs fan.

8 comments:

KD said...

I like pizza rolls.

wolfie said...

I thought you guys might like to know that you have been deemed "Sarcastic and bitter" by a web site called all sport sites.

Congratulations.

John said...

HAHAHA. That's hilarious. That's literally all it says - not "an often sarcastic and bitter Cubs fan blog," not "a sarcastic and bitter take on the Chicago Cubs." Just "sarcastic and bitter."

Although my favorite thing on there is their take on Wrigleyville 23 (which I dig): "A moderately useful Chicago Cubs blog with excellent grammar." I know they called us sarcastic and bitter, but moderately useful with excellent grammar? Ouch.

I wouldn't say we're bitter though. I would hate to think I devoted my time to writing about something that had embittered me.

Oh, and KD? Pizza is good in a roll, but also good on a bagel. Because when pizza's on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h2-rBv3H8Gw

J.J. said...

"The man clutches to hope like a filthy Dickensian orphan digging his scabbed fingers into a feculent horse blanket" Not only excellent grammar, but a nice Literature reference as well.

wolfie said...

Color me impressed by that Dickensian reference as well.

You guys are more along the lines of "A moderately insightful blog with chuckle-worthy captions and shitty drawing." You're welcome. ;)

Ok, so maybe I'm the sarcastic and bitter one.

Ace said...

I find you to be thoroughly sarcastic and bitter, in a completely swell way.

Sam, your brother said...

Hahaha, that was hilarious.

jenzie1231 said...

hahaha hank white would most definitely "shank yo ass" haha