25 Things We Aren't Bitter About : 1-5

Monday, February 9, 2009

25 Things We Aren't Bitter About : 1-5

. Monday, February 9, 2009

It came to our attention last week that certain elements of the blogoverse find us to be, shall we say, sarcastic and bitter. We have no idea why. Anyhow, the experience has inspired us to round up 25 of the things that give us the joy that only a bright Saturday afternoon game against the Cardinals can. These are in no particular order, and I suspect we'll likely end up leaving out some great elements of the Cubs universe. Feel free to correct us in the comments.So to the mysterious blog aggregator (or aggregatrix) who deemed us sarcastic and bitter - please consider the following declarations of joy and happiness. Oh, and fuck off.

This is why domes suck

#1 - True city baseball

Some MLB teams, while named for metropoli like Tampa Bay, Kansas City, and Los Angeles, might as well change their names to, say, The Just-Outside-of-Kansas City Royals, or the St. Petersburg Rays. Even some of the downtown-located ballparks don't have much to offer due to the inherent crappiness of their surroundings. I'm looking at you, Chase Park in Arizona.The Cubs? Red Line it to Addison, and enjoy the greatest city in the world while you wait for the gates to open.

"Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome ... John Mayer!" NOOOOOOOOO.... oh God. It was just a nightmare.

#2 - Night games

Before you scream at me, I'd like to say that I'm in staunchly in favor of day baseball. It's one of the greatest parts of being a Cubs fan. But it's the limiting of night games that makes them such a great break from the usual. For a few hours, everything about Wrigley is different - the crowd, the atmosphere, the views. In spite of a lifetime as a Cubs fan, I didn't see my first night game until I moved back to Chicago in 2006. It was the final night game of the year, against the not-yet-as-hated Milwaukee Brewers. The Cubs, as you recall, sucked ass throughout that year - Dusty's final one ruining our pitchers. They spent most of the game playing catch up - as the Goldschlager wore off, the tension increased. Finally, our Boys in Blue won it on Henry Blanco's 2-out RBI single. I went insane for the win - which pulled us up to 65-94. It didn't matter. I'd been in love with Wrigley during the long, hot days, and now I found an entirely new set of things to love during that cool Chicago night. It was like loving a woman with all your heart, and then she gets a new haircut. Or you find out she likes comic books and whiskey. I swoon.

Hey, they stole that W from our koozie design! Oh, wait.

#3 - The scoreboard

People could spend entire lifetimes praising the scoreboard - I'm sure some boring bastards even have. It sweeps over the park like a benevolent green overlord, and has a certain romantic charm. If you don't think about how it must smell crammed with scorekeepers on a July afternoon. Everyone's got their favorite part about the scoreboard, but I'll wager mine is different than most people's. I love the Wrigley scoreboard because I don't have to watch stupid-ass races every half inning. If I had to listen to some gel-haired jackass exhorting me to root for spark plug 1,2, or 3 to round the electronic base path first (brought to you by Napa Auto Parts), I'd committ seppuku with a souvenir collectable spoon. God bless Wrigley's scoreboard - it's a fine thing when an inanimate object knows to shut the fuck up.

Sadly, this is not an adorable head pose. His spine is like that.

#4 - Old people fans are adorable

No, that Stan Hack jersey isn't a throwback item from Cubs.com. It's the original, and he (or she) has been wearing it to the same seat every year since people still called years "aught-seven" without irony. Wrigley is blessed with a great number of fans and ushers who have been warming the Friendly Confines since bleacher seats were the cheap option to see a game.
I'll give you 2:1 her name is Lilly. Don't think so with Zambrano, though.

I've met a few of these people, and they're the kind of warm, friendly senior citizen you rarely encounter outside of a Werther's Original commerical. Where others are enjoying Matlock and Andy Williams, they're soaking up the sun and hating the shit out of the Cardinals.They were Cubs fans before it was hip. For that, I'll buy them a beer.

#5 - Hot dogs

Wrigley Field is not known for its food. I believe it's Aramark food service, which is the Arby's of catering. Hell, there are probably a half-dozen better places to get a hot dog within a block of the park, speaking from a purely culinary standpoint. And yet when you go through the gates, all rules of time, space, and the nature of reality are off. Somehow, in that narrow window of time, the foil-wrapped conglomeration of steamed bun and warm dog is the greatest thing in the history of eating. At least, once you give it mustard, pile on the day-glo relish, and give it a good ten seconds under the onion hopper. Let me set a scene for you:

I love this as much as I hate hippies

It's Labor Day 2008, Astros at Cubs. For once, I'd splurged on some bleacher tickets for Steve, my brother, my girlfriend and me. My girlfriend was, at the time, mired in the depths of ill-advised vegetarianism brought on by the bad influence of a book provided her by my vegan sister. I'd just gone to get beers and hot dogs, and commenced with the eatification soon after returning to right field. In my peripherals, in between Hunter Pence-directed taunts, I could sense conflicting emotions. Suddenly, she turned, said "that smells ... really .. good" (Shatner-like in its cadence) and asked for a bite. Two weeks later, she was back on the NY Strip Steaks, and the Wrigley dog had ascended to that near-mystical place of vegetarian conversion. For my money, this was the greatest Cubs victory of my lifetime.


Sarah Ellen said...

I didn't give Emily that book so don't blame me. Also, I happen to like hippies, you bitter, bitter man.

John said...

Yeah, you're a regular flower child, what with your popped-collar Ralph Lauren polo shirts and your D&B handbags. Keep fighting the good fight.

Lame white guy with bad '90s slang said...


Sarah Ellen said...

I said I like them, not that I am one. Jeez.

John said...

Eww - how can you like hippies? Have you no sense of smell?

emily said...

For the record: I got that book from your mom, not your sister. Also, I never said I was becoming a vegetarian, I said I was taking a break from meat - which I did - and it was great. I said that I knew one day I would wake up and want a burger, and then I'd eat it. Turned out to be two bites of a hot dog, not a burger, but was tasty nonetheless.

p.s. With your beard you kind of resemble a hippie.

Steve said...

can we not have the comment section be overrun by domestic disputes?

John said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

John said...

Boo vegetarians!