Sadly, the Certification Process is Not as Rigorous as Once Hoped

Monday, January 26, 2009

Sadly, the Certification Process is Not as Rigorous as Once Hoped

. Monday, January 26, 2009

Doesn't that headline just reach out and smack you in the face for attention? And to think, I write for a living. Anyhow, today's theatre of the absurd will take on a visual - and decidedly non-epic - form. The inspiration - as is always the case - stems from a hearty breakfast. In this case, the venue was the Salt and Pepper diner (a separate post in itself) across from famous Wrigleyville hangout Slugger's. You know the place - batting cages, cavernous capacity, inveterate tacky Q101 promotions when you're just trying to watch the damn game. A solid place, in all, and very indicative of the neighborhood.

Why does my phone take pictures that look like a '70s porn film?

Anyhow, what caught my wandering eye was this particular sign, advertising that estimable champagne of bottled beers.


Now bear with me here. Miller High Life is a brand currently marketing the "normal guy" image - spending millions of dollars to do it, but doing it nevertheless. You might recall this commercial, part of the "regular beer for regular people" ethos they've got going on:

Yes, boys and girls, this was indeed a heartwarming ninja-style raid on a viper's nest of New Jersey douchebags. Of course, one might also say that they were just minding their business, and an angry black man came and took their beer away. If one were my grandfather's racist brother, that is (I'm fairly certain this is what he once told me will happen during the Obama presidency). Either way, the take-home lesson is that High Life is awesome because it's for the workin' man, the man who doesn't go to the bar to blow through all his cash. How ironic then, that it should end up at Slugger's.

"Okay, I'll start the bidding at $5..."

Why? Because Slugger's is the home of the worst game-day "Special" ever - the $5 Old Style tall boy. I come to expect a certain amount of markup at bars, but holy crap, that is what we in the literary field call motherfuggin robbery. Even better, obnoxious waitresses harry you to BUY FROM ME RIGHT NOW before you're far enough in the door to enjoy a blast of air conditioning. I'd not exactly call it the High Life. Also, just to be spiteful, I'd like to point out that they have a White Sox flag.

I could take Sasquatch sighting pictures with these photography skills

So, dear community of WAIW, I implore you: If any of you are, in fact, an egg-shaped yet lovable delivery man, take back the High Life!


wolfie said...

I think they bribed the "egg-shaped yet lovable delivery man" with, well, hearty breakfast eggs. Power corrupts my friends.

John said...

So you say that egg is not only his shape, but his corrupting influence. In my undergraduate days, you could have BS-ed an entire 14 page paper from that statement.

wolfie said...

Ahh, BS-y egg-related term papers - damn I miss college. Anyhow, back to the Cubbies...