Bye, Bye, Miss Dominican Pie

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Bye, Bye, Miss Dominican Pie

. Tuesday, January 20, 2009

It's strange - we were so used to everything regarding Felix Pie happening at some undefined time in the future. To have an actual, here and now news item on him feels strange. After all, he's been the baseball player ... wait for it ... OF THE FUTURE ... for so long now. Apparently, we've given up on the future, because we traded the speed of Mays and the bat of Juan Pierre's semi-retarded seven-fingered cousin for a couple of pitchers. Apparently we're stocking the pantry in the minor leagues these days.

Something else ... OF THE FUTURE ... that didn't work out

Despite my usual disdain for underperforming players, I really sort of liked Pie. I've always been a fan of speed and defense in the outfield, and Felix did occasionally wow with his prowess in center. Of course, then he'd come up to bat next inning, and all you could think of was how you wanted to throw a hot dog at him next time he was in the on-deck circle. But you wouldn't do that - Wrigley dogs are both delicious and expensive. And it's a waste of good motherfucking mustard. What was I talking about again?

Fuck and yes

2008 was Pie's best year in the majors, beating his 2007 campaign batting average by a whopping .026. Of course, all that math only added up to a .241 average for a guy who was once annointed the future of the Cubs for years to come. To contrast, Fuku hit .016 points higher and got on base .047 more often. Cubs fans rightly criticized the Fuker's plate play as unacceptable, even while some continued to defend Felix and his Nerf bat. Lowered expectations is a bitch.

This photograph serves as both (a) an example of the local specialty in Felix's new digs and (b) the diagnosis Tony LaRussa's wife got

Anyway, we here at WAIW wish Felix luck with the Baltimore Orioles. Of course, we'd wish everyone on that team would pull the once-proud franchise out of the slump they've been in since I was old enough to read about how much they sucked in Sports Illustrated for Kids. I've gotta tell you, this is not how I envisioned Felix Pie and Brian Roberts on the same team. Enjoy Baltimore, Felix. Their crab cakes are out of sight, but I'm fairly certain they suck at hot dogs out on the east coast.


Sarah Ellen said...

sometimes my favorite part of the blog is the pictures. just like books!

Mitch said...

I marvel at the colorful language and new word combinations but have trouble finding the right place for them in my every day conversations.

John said...

It would be a lot easier if you were a longshoreman.