Cricket Noises

Monday, December 22, 2008

Cricket Noises

. Monday, December 22, 2008

Pictured: WAIW newsroom

Sorry, kids - it was recently pointed out to me by a faithful reader that we have something like 3 posts in the last month. That's not acceptable blogging behavior. It's not like we're going away - we're still selling our fantastic koozies (free shipping, order now to receive by Christmas), and are scratching off the days until spring training with our frozen hands ravaged by the Chicago winter. But you know why there hasn't been much on the plate here at WAIW?


Honestly, I admit that the temptation to slack off until we first hear "play ball" in 2009 is ever-present. But I think we have made a good faith effort to keep up with and relate news of our beloved team. And yet, from Trib to SunTimes to inane talk radio chatter, the closest thing we get to Cubs news is the non-news about Jake Peavy. Seriously - the biggest news of the last month was the news that we won't be getting news because talks are off and there will be no more non-news ... or will there be? Fuck - kill me.

New Cubs outfielder: VanDamme-ian? Lundgren-esque? Segal-ish?

Then we go out and get some schlub from the Royals whose most jot-able stat is a career .263 batting average. Suddenly I'm having visions of Juan Pierre and Jacque Jones conspiring to drive down game-day scalping prices in 2006. I recall getting four 200-level Labor Day tickets for the princely sum of $30 - en toto. And I really hope we're not heading down that suck-ass road again, because we've all lived through about enough of that during the '90s.

A quadruple threat: hitting, running, defense, and entrepreneurship

This was, of course, a disappointment to people who believed that it signaled a move away from signing the colossal bucket of douche they were all hoping for. So best case scenario, we sign a guy who blew an ACL going after an umpire. Worst case, we're to be content with the Royals' sloppy seconds, like we're some sort of pathetic Rockhurst University Sigma Phi Epsilon chapter.

Explain to me again how this is a better venue than Soldier Field

But worst of all, these mere crumbs of Cub information have disappeared in a Hansel and Gretl-esque manner, leaving my Cubs news pages full of crap like this. I'm looking for the latest news on how the hell we're going to stop choking in the playoffs, and the best I can do is learn that a certain segment of people paying way the hell too much for apartments are going to have a little Charlie Brown scene come early next year. Wahoo. I'm sure there was great rejoicing among these folk prior to the brutal cold of Chicago in December reminding us that life after baseball season can be - both literally and metaphorically - a frozen-ass hell. Enjoy losing your nose to the freeze and looking like one of those Everest climbers for the rest of your life. Winter wonderland indeed.

Heh ... you clicked the previous link, didn't you?

A head-exploding sight.

On a positive note (I've been rather negative during the offseason), Sandberg got promoted to AA Tennessee and K-Wood moved outside the NL (let's hope he does better than Borowski). So that's quality. During my senior year of college, my roommate's bar bet almost turned into a bar-spanning donnybrook. And wouldn't you know it, it turns out that bar bet and almost-melee involved 7-8 members of ... that's right ... the Tennessee Smokies. Of course, as these things often end, diplomacy took the form of Natural Light pitchers Big Buck Hunter. But that's probably a story for another time.

Anyhow, Steve and I apologize for our lack of doing much. To recap what we may have missed: We've both signed and re-signed some truly mediocre players, while the ones we really want (I'm going to now go on record as already hating Bradley) remain painfully out of our reach, like a dollar bill on a string cruelly utilized at the Special Olympics. Don't let that affect your Christmas koozie-purchasing plans. After all, think of the children.