NLDS Preview: The Infield (Now With Less Blathering!)

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

NLDS Preview: The Infield (Now With Less Blathering!)

. Wednesday, October 1, 2008


We'll preview all these guys, minus the umpires and the guard dog groundskeeper

It has come to my attention that yesterday's post is what we in the academic research field like to call "really motherfucking long." Perhaps a thorough analysis of two competing teams can go without a two-paragraph rant about #2 starter and his fancy tea set (you know you have one, you fancy tea set fucker!). So, in the interest of people actually reading this, I'm going to distill our position previews down to a single sentence. Plus another one. Minimalist style.


1st Base

I miss this D.Lee

Cubs - Derrek Lee: Defensively solid, would be great if he could stop being D.P. Lee. This year would be a great time to make up for killing us in the '03 NLCS.

Dodgers - Lames "I'm so" Loney: Slightly less good on defense than Lee, with a strong .289 average from the left side of the plate. Batted .750 in the 2006 NLDS - fuuuuuck.



2nd Base


MarkDreamy DeRosa, pictured here shortly before performing his own heart surgery and winning a White Castle eating contest in the same day. Then he punched a bear.

Cubs - Mark DeRosa: Having the best year of his life at the plate, still not great on defense. Playing at second keeps him out of right field, which we're all for.

Dodgers - Jeff "The Forty Year Old Virgin" Kent: Average at the plate, but damn sexy in a "Just For Men 5 Minutes" way.



Shortstop

Theriot - fuckin smoldering and shit

Cubs - Ryan The Riot: A run producer and a hitter, but oddly enough, no homers or RBIs to speak of (1 and 38 to be precise). Ready to both shoot arrows at orcs and swashbuckle for Kiera Knightley's heart in the presence of Johnny Depp.

Dodgers - Angel Berroa: In no way looks like any girlishly handsome celebrity and bats .230. So the hell with him.


3rd Base
A dustup at A-Ram's backyard barbecue

Cubs - Aramis Ramirez: It might actually be surprising at this point if he can make some quality at-bats in the playoffs. If one of his gamecocks performed like he does in the playoffs, it would become nuggets.

Dodgers - Blake DeWitt: Blake is not a first name, it is a last name. His whole setup sounds like a soap opera character - meaning he's got more power from the left side of the plate than his evil twin.

Catcher

Geo makes his move, saying "............."

Cubs - Geovany Soto: Probably NL Rookie of the Year coming off of an amazing season - we're all crossing our fingers that his hand isn't hurt. The downside is, from his carefully manicured look, he's clearly preparing to shoot a story arc on a Telemundo soap. This may distract him.

Dodgers - Russell "The Love Muscle" Martin: I have no soap opera comparison for him, this breaking my streak. I am defeated.

Boom. Short, to the point, and largely filled with irrelevant factors. You're welcome.

1 comments:

Bree said...

Thank you!