Two More Reasons to Hate New York Teams

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Two More Reasons to Hate New York Teams

. Thursday, September 18, 2008

Marlins fans jockey for a slice of reflected mediocrity

I've gone to dozens of Cubs games in my life, and no matter where you sit or what the wind is doing, there's always a certain thought that lurks in the back of your mind when you're at Wrigley - what if I caught a ball? Despite being a serial 500 section sitter due to my limited funds, I've always got that hope that Geo Soto will unleash some of that power in the direction of section 519, row 12, seats 3,4, and 5. Never happens, though. Some a-hole whose vendors gifted them a pair of 8th row behind the dugout seats always gets one gifted, them promptly flubs it and an elbow-throwing season ticket holder comes up with it. And we, the true yet poor fans, are left envying everything from Derrek Lee home runs to Micah Hoffpauir foul tips. We'd all love to catch a home run from our favorite team, but most of us secretly know we'd even take a foul tip off the bat of a Nationals pinch hitter. So imagine my surprise when I saw the following video on Deadspin.

That's right, a New York Yankees fan, who for myriad reasons I will call Captain Motherfucker, caught two home run balls on consecutive nights. I'm sure there's a joke in there about the Yankees actually hitting home runs in consecutive games, but this being my lunch hour, I'm sure at least 7 blogs have made it already. Anyway, he then proceeded to do the traditional Dance of the White Guy on Camera. Despite doing the anti-mating dance and the Scrabble Championships t-shirt, he did something incredibly cool. Two home run balls in two days - most of us can't even imagine that. We clamor for a Hunter Pence warmup ball before beer and sunstroke causes us to go on a 30 minute run of yelling "Faaaaaaaannnnncyyyyyy Boyyyyyyy." A homer would be amazing, and two unspeakably so. The fact that Mr. Backwards Hat did it at a Yankees game just gives me one more reason to think that the entire city should fornicate itself with a glowing fire poker.

These bags serve a dual purpose - Mets fans are not only embarassed of their team, they're too horribly unattractive to mate with sans paper grocery sack

Which brings me from the douchey side of NY to the pathetic one - those inbred NY stepchildren, the Metropolitans. Their stadium, the Temple of Doom (where escalators and men struggle for dominance), is closing at the end of the year. And despite it being universally agreed upon as a piece of shit, you'd think there would be some nostalgia there. World Series teams won titles in its piss-befouled concrete walls. The Mets are in the midst of choking away another division race. It's an exciting time. But apparently not to their fans. Steve, who will be in NY during next week's series, had no problem getting tickets to The House Where Strawberry Did a Lot of Blow. According to some Mets blogs, the team is emailing fans saying that there are still some great seats available for the home stretch. You'd think, with the possible (never count your chickens, ya bastards) Central champs coming to town for a four game series that could decide the home team's playoff fate, people would ... I dunno ... actually fucking show up. But nope - apparently the dominance of Escalatron, the Killer Escalator (TM), has proven too much for those feeble fops who call themselves fans of the Mets. They've resorted to blast e-mails like a Major League Soccer team hoping to draw a couple hundred extra fans for David Beckham Poster Day. Perhaps they're finding Mets baseball a bit hard to watch - I, for one, have always felt this way.

Comparing sports teams to mass-murdering Communist nations: almost as jackassey as the Yankees themselves

So there we are - a Scrabble champion stealing Fred Durst's look circa 1998 caught two home runs and danced like Brendan Frasier having a seizure, and not even Mets fans want to catch the last games played in their beloved toilet bowl. New York - home of $18 deli sandwiches and two-bit baseball.


Steve said...

Editor's Note: My trip actually got pushed back a week, but I totally could have gotten seats.

Lauralee said...

Um, where is my shout out?? The sibling that is actually going, has tickets for Thursday's game in between the Cubs dugout and the on-deck circle, who will be sporting the WAIW koozie, and her new DeRosa shirt?!?
John - that hurts!

John said...

Had I actually shouted out the date and location of your seats, as well as what you'd be wearing, I think Chris Hansen would have shown up to thrown down some creepy internet justice