Hank Steinbrenner: Thunderdouche

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Hank Steinbrenner: Thunderdouche

. Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Steinbrenner family coat of arms

The Yankees aren't going to make the playoffs this year, and that fills me with the cackling sort of glee I first experienced when the Nazis melted in the first Indiana Jones movie. The hell with the Yankees, their clinically insane ownership, and that grubby outhouse of a stadium that lost all its charm with a soulless 70s makeover. I'm thrilled that their goldbricking, taxpayer-cheating ownership has to take the full wrath of their notoriously pissy fans for the $218 million worth of players that will be staying home during October. Tradition my ass - since they began dumping sacks of money into the free agent market in the late '90s, the New York Yankees organization has been the prime example for what people don't like about baseball. We were pissed with the Cubs raised their ticket prices 12-23 percent before the year. The Yankees raised theirs an average of 47 percent. To see the 2008 Yankees. That's like selling someone a broken XBox, punching them in the balls, and then adding a surcharge for the ball punching.

"Uniform ... sapping will ... to live"

One big reason that most people who despise the Yankees do so in part because they're in contention - or at least in the playoffs - most every year. And as much as we love seeing them twist in the wind, we know they'll be back soon enough. Probably with the next crop of douchebag mercenaries to follow Johnny Damon and Jason Giambi. Carsten Charles can't enjoy pitching every 3 days for a shitty Milwaukee team. He very well may end up in the Bronx. But hey, you can't find too much bad about a streak of 13 straight years in the playoffs. We'd kill for that kind of action around here. No complains - that's how baseball goes.

The only points we'll give the 2008 Yankees are mustache points

Unless you're Hank Steinbrenner, that is. This blistering sack of crap actually says the Yankees are the victims of unfair MLB divisions. You know, because the AL East happens to be more competitive this year. Oh, the hair-burning horror of it all! The gulag-like injustice of asking the Yankees to play in a division where they can't count on rolling the Rays, Sawks, and Canada, Eh? Jays night after night in the House that Ruth Built. From the bastard's gibbering mouth-hole, to appear in upcoming Sporting News, via Deadspin:

(L to R): Douche, Douche Jr., Douche Jr.'s bullfrog neck

"The biggest problem is the divisional setup in Major League Baseball," Steinbrenner wrote. "I didn't like it in the 1970s, and I hate it now. Baseball went to a multi-division setup to create more races, rivalries and excitement. But it isn't fair.

"You see it this season, with plenty of people in the media pointing out that Joe Torre and the Dodgers are going to the playoffs while we're not. This is by no means a knock on Torre -- let me make that clear -- but look at the division they're in. If L.A. were in the AL East, it wouldn't be in the playoff discussion. The AL East is never weak."

The Dodgers (81-75) are pacing the National League West, one season after Torre turned down an incentive-based one-year contract offer to continue managing the Yankees.

"I'm happy for Joe, but you have to compare the divisions and the competition," Steinbrenner said. "What if the Yankees finish the season with more wins than the Dodgers, but the Dodgers make the playoffs? Does that make the Dodgers a better team? No."

As evidence of his viewpoint, Steinbrenner pointed to the 2006 Cardinals, who defeated the Tigers in the World Series after finishing the regular season 83-78, and took a shot at the National League West's current race between the Dodgers and D-backs.

"St. Louis winning the World Series -- that was ridiculous," Steinbrenner said. "The Cardinals won their division with 83 wins -- two fewer than the Phillies, who missed the postseason.

"People will say the Cardinals were the best team because they won the World Series. Well, no, they weren't. They just got hot at the right time. They didn't even belong in the playoffs. And neither does a team from the NL West this season."

According to excerpts, Steinbrenner continued to call baseball's revenue sharing "a socialist system," and made it clear that he does not agree with it.

"Does it work? It depends on your point of view," Steinbrenner said. "But is it right? Is it even American? I'd argue no on both of those points.

I don't even know where to start here. He vomits over $200 million on the highest-priced players he can buy, and he thinks that his team is being put at a competitive disadvantage? Is he trying to make the brains of every baseball fan collectively collapse in upon themselves like gas giant stars going nova? Sucks that the Rays and Sawks teabagged the fuck out of you over the course of a season, but sometimes it just isn't your year. Trust me, we know around here.

Most likely taken by a Yankees fan after A-Rod only went 2-4

This is the kind of woe-is-me, blame the system crap that makes me want to throw up into a box fan. Hanky Boy sounds rather bitter than he can't just up and buy the best team in baseball year in and year out. He's finally getting to the root of the issue - champions are made of more than just an expensive roster and season win totals padded with victories over the Royals and Orioles. And he has the stones to call revenue-sharing setup un-American?!? I'd love for him to see himself from a normal fan's perspective - hopefully he'd end up kicking his own ass. I absolutely despise that hateful 2006 Cardinals team - but they were champions, and will forever be known as champions. What's more, I'd take that team any day over one led by such a colossal son of a bitch as Hank Steinbrenner. Maybe not Eckstein, but still.

Worst big-ticket purchase since that Sega Dreamcast you bought in junior high

Your team sucked this year, Steinbrenner. You got your ass kicked, truly and fairly, and we here at WAIW advise you suck it up and shut your mouth. I imagine what will instead happen is that after his comments make the requesite rounds, him and his underprivleged team will go out and spend literal fuckloads of money on players that two thirds of teams couldn't even dream of signing. And he'll still find a way to bitch about being mistreated. Enjoy your team's new home in 2009, Steinbrenner. I hope it has an entire roster of Red Sox jerseys buried under it.

Baseball's version of voodoo

From where I'm sitting, Hank Steinbrenner has just proven himself worse than pretty much the entire Cobra Kai Dojo from the original Karate Kid. Sure, Johnny Lawrence was a son of a bitch's son of a bitch - shit, man, you don't sweep the leg - but he had the (eventual) honor enough to know when he was bested. He even congratulated our man Daniel-San post-match. Hank should do the same with his team's first off year after thirteen good ones, and maybe take that inspiring underdog Rays team out for ice cream. But, sadly, Hank is probably just going to spend the winter shooting his mouth off and thinking of ever more diabolical ways to sweep the leg.

"I'll get you, Major League Baseball. You just wait"