Cubs 3 - Cardinals 2: Soriano's Defense ... Good?

Friday, September 12, 2008

Cubs 3 - Cardinals 2: Soriano's Defense ... Good?

. Friday, September 12, 2008

Displaying the W in the 8th inning of a 1-run road game against our greatest rivals. What could possibly go wrong?

There are certain sights that you do and don't want to see when you're watching a close Cubs game. What you don't want to see is an all-or-nothing ball hit to Alfonso "Very Special Boy" Soriano. What you would like to see is closer Kerry Wood hauling his puffy goatee up to the mound with the game on the line. Yesterday, one turned out great, the other ... well, sort of terrifying. Nevertheless, both came through to take a vital series and put us 5 1/2 up on the also-slumping Brewers.

"Wonder twin powers, activate!"

The difference ended up being Malibu Mike's warning track double that drove home the heart of the team, Mark DeRosa. And yes, I just shoehorned a cardiac problem joke into this game report. Since we really enjoy Malibu's surprising power at the plate, are attempting to coin a nickname for the man, and are prone to writing stupid things, I've written a short, one-act play, entitled "Untitled One Act Play":

Bro, that's awesome, bro

The setting: Busch Stadium, a house of ill-repute named after beer that actually tates better when left behind the radiator during a chilly weekend. Noted bag of douche Tony Larussa is alone onstage with that pictching coach that looks like Skeletor. They're obviously terrified at all the loyal Cubs fans that have, against their better judgment, made the pilgrimage to Stabtown. Suddenly, a goldlen-locked surfer - incongruously from Slydell, Lousiana - floats toward the plate like the avenging angel of peroxide.

LaRussa: Dammit - we need this game! Not because we're going to make the playoffs, but because it would give me an excuse to throw another baby-eating coke orgy. Which is what I do. Because I'm evil. And start sentences with "because."

Skeletor: It's no use sir, this is their year. You'll have to settle for handies from that beady-eyed Bissinger guy.

Suddenly the stadium is struck by a thunderous roar as Malibu takes his place in the batter's box. A unique chant multiplies throughout the stadium from the innocent, blue-clad fans. This happens despite the combative attitude of the many white-trash Denny's managers in sleveless Mark McGwire shirts who try to shut up the intrepid visitors. The noise reaches Tony and Skeletor, whose dour expressions quickly turn to one of fear.

My lord, they're ... they're booing. Why would they be booing?

Skeletor: (ashen)
They're not booing, sir. They're ... they're Mali-booing. My god!

Scene ends with the crack of a bat.

Fukudome saves a double, attempts to join with Voltron

So yeah, got the series. Might not play for a few games, as a hurricane is rightfully trying to wipe the Astros off the face of the Earth. Also, my future is not in theater. Alas.