Cardinals 4 - Cubs 3: Okay, It's Not Funny Anymore, You Can Stop Losing

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Cardinals 4 - Cubs 3: Okay, It's Not Funny Anymore, You Can Stop Losing

. Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Orlando Bloom lookalike Ryan Theriot in "Pirates of the Carribean 2 1/2: Dead Man's Base"

I have been away from our beloved blog for too long due to the matter of having to go to Washington, D.C. for work. As nice as it is to see our nation's capitol, being there makes me really, really glad that I make my home in Chicago. I've never seen another city where you can get a $9 beer on one block and stabbed on the next block.

Decidedly not Georgian architecture

I figured perhaps by absence and subsequent lack of access to the exploits of our Boys in Blue would perhaps lead them to get their heads out of their asses and start winning. Really, it was just base superstition. But it doesn't matter, because I was clearly wrong. We still can't play baseball. At least not to win. Last night, we simply couldn't put the Cardinals away despite multiple chances. Given multiple chances to play the hero, Soriano instead looked awful when it counted. I don't blame Ryan Dempster for giving up that home run, because Albert Pujols is a sick freak. I do, however, blame the team for making far too many mistakes to beat a strong Cardinals team in a game we really should have won.

"What the hell, Derrek? Are you trying to strike out?"

People say things are getting dire, but luckily, the Brewers also suck. This is why being the best team is baseball for so long was so important - we now have a cushion for when we play like this. I don't like losing any more than any of you, but thankfully we're still in first and the Astros are way too damn far out to worry us (for once). But are we really happy? Popular blog opinion says no: College of Idiots seems to have lost their shit. The ever-optimistic Cubblogging, if I read people correctly, may be about to snap like Howard Beale in Network. Perhaps most disturbing is A League of Her Own's emo artwork on display this morning. One we turn to emo-like despair, we may as well stop calling ourselves Cubs fans and start punching ourselves in the collective groin, because Dashboard Confessional sucks.
Pictured in pre-reality show, more financially secure times

So what must we (referring to both the struggling Cubs and the suffering Cubs Nation) do? We must follow the sage advice of that street-corner prophet, that most wise and most unforgettable of early '90s B-listers turned early '00s train wrecks - Mr. Bobby Brown. Laugh at his career arc and gasp at his "smoke crack and hit Whitney Houston with a cinder block" antics, but he knew how to get people to pull themselves out of the dumps and right the damn ship*. Case in point? The seminal "On Our Own" from the blockbuster movie "Ghostbusters II."

* (note: Bobby Brown's ability does not apparently work on Bobby Brown himself)

Screw the Berlin Wall, this was the childhood moment frozen in time

At the beginning of the movie, the Ray, Peter, Egon and Winston are reduced to children's birthday parties and talk show appearances after having been sued out of existence following the events of the first film. Then some slime appears in the sewers, a constipated-looking painting starts posessing the guy from "Ally McBeal" and BOOM, there's a baby-napping afoot. And yea, did Vigo the Carpathian kick a whole lotta ass. That is, until the Ghostbusters factored in the power of mid-tempo pop/R&B. Somehow, by sheer force of will, "On Our Own" comes up with some of the greatest lyrics in the history of Western civilization. Lord Byron dosen't have shit on Double B (that's right, we just have Bobby Brown a nickname we made up). "Too hot to handle, too cold to hold," Mr. Brown intones, "they're called the Ghostbusters and they're in control." And thusly, we might continue, did they regain the confidence to kick Vigo's ass using the Statue of Liberty as a bludgeon. Awesome. Bobby also does something no one else on Earth can do, demonstrated in the lines below:

Too hot to handle, too cold to hold
They're called the Ghostbusters and they're in control
Had 'em throwin' a party for a bunch of children
While all the while the slime was under the building
So they packed up their group, got a grip, came equipped
Grabbed their proton packs off their back and they split
Found about Vigo, the master of evil
Try to battle my boys? That's not legal

Did you see what this genuis wordsmith just did? He rhymed "Vigo," "evil," and "legal" without even breaking a sweat. None of those words even rhyme with any other of them - go ahead try it. You can't do it. And you know why? You're not Bobby Brown, that's why. He's so good, it's scary. If Vigo the Carpathian had this kind of charisma, we'd all be speaking Carpathian right now. Which would suck. Believe it or not, this song actually served as creative impetus when Steve and I decided we were going to make rap songs on the computer. No, I'm not kidding - if you're lucky and happen to be drinking at one of our apartments some day, you'll certainly hear the results. Needless to say, if they gave Pulitzer Prizes for spiritually uplifting sonic facepunching via MIDI tracks, we'd have a mantlefull.
Looks eerily like former Senator Fred Thompson

In honor of the momentous achievement of Harold Ramis and crew skull-fucking an Eastern Europen demi-god, enjoy the movie tie-in video below. Look for a cameo by Mr. Donald Trump (seriously):

So there's a lesson here, boys and girls of Wrigleyville. It's up to us, and we've got to take control. At least I hope that's the lesson - B-Deuce repeats it at least nine hundred times in four minutes. We need to keep the faith, and the team needs to shake off the doldrums and start whooping ass again. Let us only hope they have access to this gem of YouTube self-help.


wolfie said...

You know, I was staying away from the blog. Nothing personal, just didn't want to see this horrible shitstorm of a slide re-confirmed anywhere, even here. But while everyone else is freaking out - me included - you guys go and bring B-deuce into the picture to inspire us? Yer out of yer feckin' minds. It's just insane!!!

So just might work...

laniegirl said...

just thought i should mention that i turned on the TV today and Ghostbusters II was playing on VH1. it must be a sign.