2008 Cubs Convention Calendar: The Delayed Punchline

Friday, September 5, 2008

2008 Cubs Convention Calendar: The Delayed Punchline

. Friday, September 5, 2008

Security clearance for heaven

On a superb weekend that just so happened to coincide with my birthday, my girlfriend and I attended the annual Cubs Convention for the first time in my life. It was every bit as excellent as I could have imagined. I got to Sweet Lou to autograph a baseball for me, talked with some of the greatest (and maybe oldest) fans I'd ever met, and watched my girlfriend get all flustered as Glenn Beckert laid the creepy old uncle charm on her for a bout of hilarious/awesome flirtation. But he autographed my hat, so it was all good.

Break me off some of that

Another awesome part was the stuff - both free and for purchase. Lord knows that as much as the Cubs love their fans, the Convention is above all else, an opportunity to get more stuff into the hands of people. It's all about keeping people obsessed with baseball even during the ball-shattering frigidity of a Chicago January. And you know what? It works.

The surest sign I'll be talking about how much I loved the South

One of the myriad items I came home with from the convention was a 2008 calendar featuring a different player each month. Some players were well-matched for the months, like Ted Lilly in February because no one wanted to see him pitch in April, May, or most of June. But there were also puzzling choices. Bob Howry was your pinup for the month of June - puzzling, because even in those years when he doesn't suck severe ass, he takes a lot longer than June to get with the program. But hey, the calendar brings up warm memories of cold days, and provides not only a reminder of when I'm attending games, but of my crippling, heroin-like addiction to a team that spent most of my childhood watching home run balls fly over their heads. Also, it has provided me with a nice laugh. How, you ask? With the month of September.

I never look ahead in the calendar, because I like to be surprised each month by which new player I get to see in my peripherals for the next 30/31 days. The Man, the Myth, the Marmol served well in August. Dempster Baby's appearance in March coincided with him surprising the shit out of all of us, and I think that seeing his ginger beard out of the corner of my eye while typing up reports on Medicare really speeded his move from hated to sainted. So as I retired Marmol, I was doing a mental checklist of who still needed a turn. Soto? Z? DeRo? All were good choices, and all had yet to be featured. Take out the push pin, flip things over, and ... HAHAHAHAHA. Seriously?

Our September "superstar"

Yes, ladies, gents, and coconut crabs, your hero for the month of September is none other than Rich "I've Fallen and I Can't Get Back Up to AAA" Hill. He of NLDS Game 3 failure and continuous IcyHot application. He of single-A ball. He of "who's he?" to a lot of this year's "lifelong fans." Oh, and Soto is definitively not in this year's calendar. Must have seemed like a risky move - but that Rich Hill, he was a sure bet. Other sure bets for my fantasy team calendar:

- January: Manny Ramirez, OF, Boston Red Sox
- February: Joe Borowski, Closer, Cleveland Indians
- March: Dontrelle Willis, SP, Florida Marlins
- April: Mark Prior, SP, San Diego Padres
- May : Ryan Leaf, "Can't Miss" QB, San Diego Chargers
- June : Sam Bowie, Better than Michael Jordan, Porland TrailBlazers
- July: Brian Bosworth, LB, Seahawks (Also stars in straight-to-VHS action movies)
- August: Mickey Rourke, Bona-fide movie star, Hollywood
- September: House of Pain, Rap Group, Boston
- October:Y2K Bug, Going to end the world, Jan 1, 2000
- November: Thomas E Dewey, Republican, President of the United States, 1948
- December: Adolf Hitler, Probably going to stop after Poland, 1938

Having brought up Hitler in an Internet post, I must now retire from this missive in shame at having stooped to cliche. Enjoy your weekend.