Poll Results: You Are Not a Chicago Cubs Player

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Poll Results: You Are Not a Chicago Cubs Player

. Tuesday, August 19, 2008


"Awesome, bro. And that number 69 is totally hilarious ... why doesn't anyone like me?"

Apparently the latest poll has been badly designed. Usually we at least see a couple of favorites trying to edge each other out by midweek, but this one was over pretty much right out of the gate. Despite the presence of such regrettable jersey choices as Sammy "The Honeymoon's Long Over" Sosa, Nomar "Argh, My Groin!" Garciaparra, and Todd "Jersey Shore" Hundley, you all clearly find a person with their own name on a jersey far more obnoxious.

And why wouldn't you? The Chicago Cubs have a long and proud tradition. The fact that we're nearly a century on waiting for a new World Series ring is even more surprising when you look at the list of baseball greats that have hung their spikes at Wrigley: Ernie Banks, Ryne Sandberg, Hack Wilson, and of course, our man Ron Santo. And that's just a fraction of the worthy players deserving of some cotton/poly love.

But no, Mr. Commodities Trader talking on your cell phone during the entire fucking game, I suppose you are much, much cooler than any of those guys. And the fact that your pink-hatted wife just asked "do the White Sox play here when the Cubs don't have a game?" doesn't at all make me want to end your worthless life. Get ye back to the Viagra Triangle, demon!

I once read something in the comments section over at Kissing Suzy Kolber that I think pertains. I can't find it now, but I recall it verbatim. Ahem:


"Putting your own name on a jersey should be punishable by death. And if you put your nickname on it, a bear should rape your corpse."

So speaketh ye, dear readers.

2 comments:

Harley said...

Maybe death is too much, but i do like the idea of continuous rape by a giant bear for those people. haha

What about other teams though? Is it still ok to wear a "Pooholes" cardinal shirt?

cubbiejulie said...

i regret to inform you that i can't vogte in your sidebar poll because i'm too busy throwing up in my mouth.