Milwaukee Named Sexist City: No, I'm Really Not Kidding ... Seriously, I'm Not. Messed Up, Right?

Monday, August 18, 2008

Milwaukee Named Sexist City: No, I'm Really Not Kidding ... Seriously, I'm Not. Messed Up, Right?

. Monday, August 18, 2008

Marie Claire's idea of sexilicious

In the midst of this exciting division race, Steve and I thought it would be a good time to examine our neighbors to the immediate north - Milwaukee. You know when you're watching the news, and there's a story on how either kids, your city, or your state are getting fat? Ever notice all the neck-down shots of all those dimple-thighed waddlers crammed into various forms of sweatpantery? Well, those are all taken in Milwaukee, a place that exports two things: 1. Cheap, terrible beer that even 19-year olds hate 2. Stock footage of the lumbering herds that make up their populace. So imagine my surprise when WAIW friend and native Wisconsonian (No hard feelings, right?) Janette Wagner tipped Steve and me off to something so insane, so utterly mind-fisting, that it made me question my entire reality this morning over my cup of coffee and bowl of Captain Crunch.

Read on, you will not be disappointed.

Milwaukee. Okay, maybe it's Mexico City. I can't keep track of these things.

I mean, wow. Were it April 1, I would say "well done, Marie Claire." As it is, I'm starting to believe that I've been plunged into a nightmarish mirror world hell where America is still part of the U.K., the Amish are serial murderers, and Milwaukee is considered sexy. Have these writers and editors never seen a tube-topped biker woman in overall shorts set her sights on a cherry-glazed funnel cake at Summerfest? I'd sooner get between a mother bear and her crying cub than stick my arm anywhere near the whirring vortex of powdered sugar, teeth, and self-hatred. Yet to a bunch of people whose target audience is people stuck in line at the grocery store, this cheese-scented hell trumps not only Our Fair City, but perfectly respectable metropoli like Austin, Seattle, and Nashville. The horror! Of course, I suppose their cover girl would fit right in.

Hmm ... hair dyed to Barbie-ish plastic consistency? Check. Bad taste in music? Check. Being pregnant and still half-clothed? Check. The results are in, Christina Aguilera is a Milwaukee girl at heart.

I'd say shame on Marie Claire, but I guess I'm just too shocked that anyone anywhere at any time would name Milwaukee the sexiest anything. I should say, however, that perhaps this little checkstand rag should quit judging the relative merits of American cities (something they're obviously terrible at doing) and getting back to what they really should be doing: teaching us how to orgasmify our man. Until then, mustachioed men and mustachioed women of Milwaukee - you win this round.

The celebration will be held at the fanciest hotel in town

Some of my favorite reactions to the article from residents:

- "What? You're kidding me."
- "Really? How did that happen?"
- "Cheeseheads and beer are not sexy. Sorry."
- "But aren't we the fattest city?"


Janette said...

No hard feelings. I was pretty shocked as well when I heard it this morning on the radio. I wouldn't even consider it the sexiest city in Wisco (I'm not from the greater Milwaukee area).

Sarah Ellen said...

sexy and wisconsin can't even be in the same thought together.
p.s. notice how i comment on the post completely unrelated to baseball (and thus the one i can best understand)