Cubs Fans: Heartless?

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Cubs Fans: Heartless?

. Saturday, August 2, 2008

Following my recent long (long, long) paean to our current incarnation of the 7th inning stretch, an item jumped to my attention that ties in nicely to my ideas about the Stretch’s unpredictable nature. Actually, truth be told, this is what brought the matter of the Stretch to my attention in the first place, but as always, long windedness got the better of me. Hell, those last two sentences contained 64 words. Thanks for the English degree, University of Tennessee. I will do you proud.

Anyhow, I’ve been told that Cubs fans can be fickle and cruel. Every time I’ve heard this, I have had no choice but to challenge the person to a duel. After all, am I not writing on our beloved Cubs during the weekend of my move to a less stabby Aldermanic ward? We Cubs fans are good people, dammit!

Alas, I have been proven incorrect. A recent incident has shaken (yet not shattered) my faith in our inherent blue and white goodwill. Read on, if you dare.


Surely you are all familiar with the Grimace, beloved childhood friend and companion. Some say he’s a sentient raisin, others say he’s merely evidence of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome’s existence in McDonaldland. Either way, he’s one enormously lovable purple lump – you just want to hug that melancholy purple son of a bitch. Face it, the Hamburglar was bringing down property values, Mayor McCheese was a puppet of the McDonaldland Machine, and Ronald … well, he was a grown man in makeup who hung out mainly with children. But the Grimace, he was more like a fantastical proxy for a lovable alcoholic uncle.

Unfortunately, his goodwill does out reach out to some hardened, blackened hearts in Our Fair City. In late July (breaking news, I know), he was invited to sing the beloved Stretch. Unfortunately, he not only sounded terrible, he drew the ire of the Wrigley crowd before a single word had passed his lips. The result was a train wreck. See if you must.

WAIW: Bringing you the longest Charlie Weis jokes ever, since 2008. Full disclosure: My sister goes to ND, and Steve hates the hell out of the Irish (the ND Irish, mind you, not your lovable Irish co-editor). This might have been just a post reading “F Charlie Weis” for six pages had he written it.

Wish me luck with the move, and enjoy your weekend.

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