Cubs 14 - Pirates 9: Soto Wins Game, Does Your Taxes, Saves Kitty From Tree

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Cubs 14 - Pirates 9: Soto Wins Game, Does Your Taxes, Saves Kitty From Tree

. Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Soriano provides Craig Hansen with a lifetime of night terrors

Ever watch one of those games where it just feels like it isn't our team's day? Last night felt like that for a pretty long time. No matter how many runs the Cubs managed to put over the plate, no one in the bullpen (nor the starter, for that matter) felt like throwing decent pitches to the team 24 games back. Alfonso Soriano dropped ANOTHER routine fly ball. Yet like a husky ray of Puerto Rican sunshine, Soto stood up and said "hey, guys - seriously. We're not losing to these suck-asses." Seven RBIs later, the woeful Pirates were put down faster than a losing pit bull at the Vick residence.

"Not batting practice? Pendejo! Why didn't you tell me?"

Last night's win came despite yet another crappy start by Carlos Zambrano. I'm wondering if his recent form isn't the result of his starting to get middle child syndrome with Dempster and Harden around. Against a team that I again must stress is the Pittsburgh friggin Pirates, he gave up 8 hits, 4 walks and 6 earned runs in 4.1 innings. His offense is starting to look so much better than his pitching that it's scaring me. He's still carrying a .365 average after going 1-2 and driving in a run last night. If he's going to get more wins before the end of the season, he's going to need to start hitting grand slams every time up. As it stood, Sean Marshall got the win with a 1-hit, no run 7th inning. We've now won nine series in a row, which hasn't happened since ... drumroll please ... 1907.

To be fair, both teams went through a life-raft full of pitchers - 7 apiece.

Moss forgets that you need to actually slide all the way to the base

On a woeful pitching night for both teams, none were worse than Craig Hansen, who ended up taking the loss. Hansen's night looks like this:

Hansen relieves Grabow
A Soriano singled to right, M Fontenot to third.

R Theriot walked, A Soriano to second.

D Lee walked, M Fontenot scored, A Soriano to third, R Theriot to second.

A Ramirez walked, A Soriano scored, R Theriot to third, D Lee to second.

And that was it for him. Ouch. The man walked in the go-ahead run and gave up 4 earned runs in 0.0 innings of work, which I believe gives him an ERA of infinity plus one. After his public failure, he turned a mournful gaze to his brother Chris, sitting in the stands. He then screamed, through his anguished sobs, "What, do I have to try and molest a teenager on a computer to get you to notice me?!?" Then he ran away, doing that jelly-arms thing. Of course, I could have dreamed that last part.

Good advice for pretty much every Pirates pitcher. And Neil Cotts.

Hansen's public shaming came in the middle of a huge 7-run 8th inning that put finally put away a team that was giving me indigestion all night. Really, after losing the lead in the 6th and watching Neil Cotts pitch, I was ready to stick a fork in this one. But, as we have established, when I think things are going to go poorly for the Cubs, they always end up proving that I am an idiot. Fellow Cubs fans, pray that I keep foretelling misfortune. It's been working for us so far.

Soto has been responsible for more big hits than even the President of the Drunken Stepdads Local 254

Soto's obviously the rookie of the year, and his explosive night just verifies what we have known most of the season. He went 3-5 with two three-run doubles and was responsible for more giddy moments for Cub fandom than all the nitrous oxide and Fraggle Rock dvds combined. If he doesn't walk away with the award, it'll be a travesty.

Today we've got Marquis going, and we'd better hope he doesn't pitch like himself so we can sweep. The reason being I'd like us to win because the only time I root for the Cardinals to actually beat somebody, they go ahead and lose 12-0. That's just dickish, LaRussa.