Weekend Recap: Still Soiling Myself, Thank You

Monday, July 28, 2008

Weekend Recap: Still Soiling Myself, Thank You

. Monday, July 28, 2008

Sweet Lou, politely telling the worst umpire in Major League Baseball that it may benefit the world should Rob Drake decide to ingest an entire can of Ajax.

Coming off yet another disappointing series loss, this weekend's 4-game swing against the Marlins looked like an opportune time to start hitting again and start winning on the pace we were used to. After watching us lose two 1-run games in which we had the lead, I'm just vaguely disappointed. Both Ryan Dempster and Rich Harden were cheated out of another W on their records, and we burned through bullpen arms like a philosophy major burns through so much disgusting incense. Still, there were good and bad moments. In lieu of a blow-by-blow, I'd like to give you my observations from what I have entitled the Meh Series.

Malibu Mike searches in vain for the perfect wave

- Starting pitchers not named Marquis really held their own over the weekend, with Z, Dempster Baby, and Harden each going long enough for decisions and giving up a minimum of runs (if not base runners)
- The Marlins, perhaps thinking that Orlando trumps Malibu, failed to respect our "Point Break"-esque infielder Mike Fontenot. Malibu Mike made them pay with an amazing bases-clearing pinch-hit double off of the wall. His OPS is at .811, which is a hell of a thing for a backup infielder to have. I demand a Malibu Mike bobblehead night next season!
- Chad Gaudin isn't blowing anyone away, but he's starting to look like a solid acquisition. Rich Harden gets all of the headlines, but Gaudin is becoming a solid option out of the pen.
- Soriano's back. With as long as he's been gone, it's almost as if we got a new player.
- Henry Blanco is hitting .300. What the hell?
- We're in sole posession of first again - let's keep it that way.

Marlins pitcher Josh Johnson gives catcher Paul Hoover a piece of essential information: "Your Mystery Date wears a hat."

- Rob Drake, I'm currently in the process of constructing a Santeria altar so that I may feast on your blackened soul.
- Are we sick of blowing wins for Rich Harden yet? I think he may start staying in the showers, in the fetal position, instead of coming out for starts. Also, he can't get past the 6th ever because we treat him like a Fabrege egg.
- Both of those 3-2 losses made our offense look pathetic.
- The same goes for some of the bullpen pitching - I'm looking at you Bob "Oh, well he's a notorious slow starter, so go easy" Howry.
- Fukudome has looked like sort of a non-factor lately. He needs to get back on track quickly - I can't keep watching DeRosa out there in the outfield. It's like when you had that slow kid on your little league team and the coach puts him in right field because no one hits it there but one day a big fly ball rainbows out there and time slows to a crawl where moments feel like eternity and you hope he can catch it but let's be serious here, he has to wear a helmet around the neighborhood and he always smells like bad chocolate milk and you just hope he can nudge it to the cutoff man without allowing an inside the parker. You know that feeling? That's the feeling I get when a fly ball goes toward DeRo. Love the man's bat, though.
- Aramis is hitting .267. What the hell?

Not football - please pay attention to this

- I don't care where you went to college, or how much you want it to happen, Jeff Samardzija isn't ready to shoulder any sort of sizable bullpen load yet. People need to judge him on his pitching instead of the fact that he caught a lot of passes against crappy schools at Notre Dame. I don't give a rat's ass about how he caught 9 passes for 214 yards against Stanford in '05. They're fucking Stanford! And what does that have to do with the man choking away the lead on an 0-2 count with bases empty, one out, and the entire stadium whipped up into some sort of orgasmic frenzy? I'm not convinced he's big league pitching material yet.
- The Brewers are close to us in the division, and we're going to see both Sheets and Sabathia. Have I mentioned I dislike our neighbors to the north?
- Tonight's battle: Ted Lilly v. CC Sabathia. Oh, joy.

Dan Uggla touches Malibu Mike, hoping that suck is contagious