Don't Dork Up My Childhood Heroes. Plus - Stickers are Fun (Whoring for Your Attention) , and "Did You Order A Pizza, Ma'am? I've Got a Hot Slice"

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Don't Dork Up My Childhood Heroes. Plus - Stickers are Fun (Whoring for Your Attention) , and "Did You Order A Pizza, Ma'am? I've Got a Hot Slice"

. Thursday, June 26, 2008

How could I not be a Cubs fan growing up? What, was I going to be captured by the magic of Jerry Reinsdorf, Albert Belle, and park-adjacent government housing?

As a young, already-suffering Cubs fan, even the most pathetic losing season had a shining bright spot - Ryne Sandberg. Like any kid, I had a lot of heroes growing up - Andre Dawson, Egon the Ghostbuster, and the Cinnamon Toast Crunch chef guy who apparently killed his two brothers and ascended to sole power over the empire of sugar. But Ryno was on an entirely different level. Unlike the way I bitch to Steve or my girlfriend Emily about how Soto can chase too many pitches, or how A-Ram occasionally fields like Helen Keller, Ryne Sandberg could do no wrong in my eyes. And frankly, with a .989 fielding percentage, I don't think it's all youthful hero worship giving me that attitude. Can you believe the Phillies let him go because they thought they were set with Manny Trillo? We got him and Larry Bowa for the low, low price of Ivan DeJesus. I'd call it a Brock for Broglio situation, but that would make me sad. He immediately made his presence known, and the rest is left to history, the Hall of Fame, and the hearts of millions of Cubs fans.

Even in retirement, Ryno commands my admiration. Unlike Michael Jordan, Ryno never came into focus as an egomanical, self-serving a-hole who refuses to sign autographs for kids in the hope of dictating the market value of his signature. He's even carried on the proud Chicago tradition of doing horrible commercials for the local market.

What spurred this latest bout of purple prose? Well, my hero (and yours) has been done an indignity. I caught sight of this crime against Cubdom on my way back from last night's game. Behold, if you will, the dorkification of my idol:

Isn't it sad how once you become an adult, the Swirlie is no longer an option?

If you're going to shell out the bucks for an authentic Sandberg jersey, then for the love of Harry, don't jam it in to your Land's End dad jeans. Adding to the insult, the jeans that the jersey is tucked into are riding higher than a foppish dandy on an old timey bicycle.

I've wanted to use this picture so badly for so long, you have no idea

Bonus Item 1

The prize for last week's commentary contest was a WAIW sticker, and I would like to confirm to all of you that yes, these magical items do indeed exist. Pictured below is a friend of the blog sporting on his shirt both our fine sticker and what looks to be a few ounces of Old Style. They feature an image of the famous W flag with a small, tasteful, mention of our easily recognizable address - Coming soon to a bar bathroom near you! Something's gotta cover up those above-urinal ads for bad Mike Myers movies.

Just look at how happy he is. Of course it's a fine product!

Bonus Item 2

I know this is a Cubs blog, and I absolutely despise the New York Yankees, but everyone will appreciate this. It looks to me as though Jason Giambi is starting to prepare for life after baseball. It's clear that he's either (1) Trying to snag a sweet endorsement deal with Just For Men or (2) Considering a career where "putting the wood to it" has an entirely different meaning.

Jason Giambi as Ian Canyon in "You Don't Mess With the Blow-Han," a Buffy St. Croix production