Cubs Media Monday: The Reason For the 2008 NLDS

Take a second a slip back into the warm hot tub of victory that was the 2008 season - the regular season, anyway. Dempster was having a career year, a pre-Hostess Fruit Pie (TM) Getovany Soto was ripping opposing pitchers, and Carlos Marmol was still Carlos Marmol (filthy). Suddenly, it all grinds to a halt. Six-toothed morons from the South Side and meth-scarred hillbillies from Mizzou rejoiced. What cataclysm changed our fortunes so quickly, and in such a merciless fashion? Actually, I just found out what. Take a gander, kids:

Ho. Lee. Shit. That was bad.

Full Analysis After the Jump



0:10 - Oooooh, this is going to be bad. The only question - so bad it's good, or so bad it makes you want to throw a baby down a well?

0:30 - "It's been 99 years but we're finally back." So apparently no one at B96 believes in a jinx. This affirms my belief that B96 employees and listeners are all suburbanites who pretend they're from the city.

0:36 - "The stands are packed," interspersed with pictures of mostly empty stands before a game. You know, because you couldn't really find a picture of packed stands in 2008.

0:42 - Another clue that B96 is aimed at Winnetkans and Northbrookians. No one from here calls it Chi-Town. That's what you call it when you're coming here on an 8th grade class trip.

0:46 - Rhyming "boys" with "make some noise." Sounds like someone owes a royalty check to Vanilla Ice.

0:58 - Well-played. Finally.

1:03 - If you have to ask "ain't it funky now?" then it emphatically is not.

1:15 - Oh sweet Moses - they're rhyming "D.Lee" with "Big Z." If they do "Koyie Hill" and "Mad skill," I'm burning down the studio.

1:25 - Ah, for the days when people defended Soriano in the leadoff spot.

1:26 - Ummm.... I hate to tell you, but that's not Aramis.

1:48 - "It's just like '84, '88, '98, '03, '07." Yes, that did end up being the problem, you fucktards.

1:54 - Aw, Bartman.

2:02 - Whoaaaa ... Jacque Jones? I was not expecting that. IT'S THE SHYAMALAN TWIST!!!

2:16 - Next person to say "It's gonna happen" gets dick-punched. I mean it.

2:21 - That ... that seems like bad luck. Really, really bad luck.

2:46 - Oh, you are so getting haunted by Harry Caray.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the reason the 2008 Cubs derailed. Can you blame them? One listen to that, and I subconsciously started inching slightly westward - away from Wrigley field and the house music horrors that would align themselves with such a team. B96, I implore you - stick to extremely topical popular music that only reveals it's true awfulness in retrospect. Like this, your top hit of 1994, which also happens to be a German techno song:

FUCKYEAHDANCEPARTY! Wait, what were we talking about again? Oh, fuck B96. I'M A WHITE RAGGAMAN, BABY ONE OF A KIND NOW!

So ... do you wish the season would start yet?

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Cubs Sign Xavier Nady: WAIW Mulling Nicknames

World Series, here we ... remain. Watching you with envy.

You heard it here first third eventually - the Cubs have officially signed free agent outfielder Xavier Nady. Nady, according to other people who pay more attention, is going to get between $3-5.5 million, depending on how he performs.

Tip: Searching for one X on the Internet is safe. Any more, and I can't guarantee your eye safety.

This has the possibility to be a decent signing. X.Nad (eh? Maybe?) hit .305 in 2008 before his arm kersploded and he underwent Tommy John surgery. If he can regain that form, maybe we'll see fewer Soriano whiffs, Fukudome backward Ks, or Marlon Byrd ... whatever Marlon Byrd does. More exciting to WAIW is the fact that Racer X (meh) hasn't accused the fanbases of any of his previous teams of racism.

But where does the signing of Professor X (clearly reaching here) leave the beloved and bemustached Reed Johnson? Hell if I know - I had just finished eating a TV dinner in the work cafeteria when I heard the news. I am not your go-to source for anything but koozies and Roadhouse references.

So ... any more suggestions on the nickname? We're going with X.Nad, right?

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Offseason Roundtable: So Long, Suckass!

We'll miss ... hating you. And not in a racial way, you egomaniacal sack of crap.

As casual fans far removed from the players of our beloved team, we bloggers feel entitled to express certain negative emotions about those who catch our disdain. This is fine, because of several reasons.

(a) Outside of our general lack of seriousness, we realize that these are human beings who we will likely never meet and who will never read this blog.

(b) Hustler v. Falwell sets a pretty high bar for parody of public figures, which such luminaries as Milton "I'm an asshole who doesn't pay rent" Bradley, certainly qualify as.

(c) At the end of the day, if Aaron Miles had his feelings hurt, he can take solace in the fact that I made far, far less than $2.2 million. Even if I did do a much better job at my place of employment (ba-zing!).

Aaron Miles: Looks like a gym coach, hits like a gym coach. Probably a nice guy.

Our favorite activity in this vein is called "So Long, Suckass." It's a fitting sendoff to players we'd rather see in an Astros uniform than blue pinstripes. We've gotten away from it in the offseason, probably because we were sick enough of the team at the end of the year to quit our usual obsessive monitoring of team news. But no longer, dear readers. Hope springs eternal, as does frustrated rage. To help send off the literal crapload of disappointing players that have left since last we sent off a suckass, we've recruited some of our Cubs blogger friends.

Enjoy catharsis, after the jump



Aaron Heilman - RP

Heilman being Heilman, to the dismay of the ticketholding Cubs fans.

Key Stats: Cut his ERA over 1.10 from 2008 numbers, and still sucked tremendously. Led NL relievers in chins.

"In this age of heart-healthy eating, we never embraced the signing of Aaron Heilman, better known as the Mayonnaise King. His inability to locate his pitches and take control of 5th starter spot was the nail in his northside coffin. That said, his ability to mix oil, salt, and vinegar or lemon juice while using egg yolks as an emulsifier to make a white/yellow condiment should go over well in Arizona."
- The Ted Lilly Fan Club

"I'm still trying to forget"
- Waxpaperbeercup

"Even though I love your mayonnaise, and I predicted correctly that you would be the fifth starter for the 2009 World Series Championship Chicago Cubs, I will miss the fact that whenever you came into to relieve I had the knowledge that it was okay to turn off the game and know for certain the outcome of the game (which would of course be a loss)."
- Ginger Russ, College of Idiots

Aaron Miles - INF

Worst "Ghost Ride the Whip" Ever. Ever.

Key Stats: .185 average in 2009 makes his Baseball Reference comparison score closest of all Cubs to John's high school career numbers. Ambushing a kidnapper story still pretty cool.

"If if wasn't for your horrible batting, I might have never started the Andy White Fan Club, which I of course shamelessly ripped off from Desipio and then went onto successfully plug by calling out Cubbie Julie from A League of Her Own."
-Ginger Russ, College of Idiots

"LaRussa was actually upset when he left St. Louis? Must have been a hoax."
- Waxpaperbeercup

Kevin Gregg - CL

Dancing: Something else Gregg does poorly.

Key Stats: Ranked first among NL Central pitchers in inducing heart attacks in apoplectic fans. Generally pitched like shit. Gave up 1.7 HR per 9 innings, which seems low to those who saw him pitch.

"A classic firsty-firsty. At least now I will finally be able to prove to the world how horrible a decision putting the Marmot in as closer will be. Err...I won't be proving it, Carlos will do it himself."
- Ginger Russ, College of Idiots

"See: Aaron Heilman"
- Waxpaperbeercup

"Dear Kevin Gregg-
I don't know who could ever replace you. Yours are big shoes to fill. Who else could the Cubs find that:

1) Has two first names.
2) Can...uh...pull off wearing goggles.
3) Have a pitching delivery that resembles the motion of a pitching machine.

We will survive. And if you need any help moving, the guys from Ivy Envy would be glad to lend a hand"
- Corey, Ivy Envy

"Truthfully, we have a soft spot in our heart for the Goggled One and wish that he was still on the squad. We just hope that he doesn't end up pitching for Jose Offerman in the Dominican Republic Winter League."
- The Ted Lilly Fan Club

Milton Bradley - RF

If only the ivy had finished the job.

Key Stats: Led the league in accusations of racism - the only category in which he performed above average during 2009. Regarded around the league as a 5-tool player, in that he brings the superhuman douchebaggery of 5 regular douchebags.

"Great talent, but the guy is a train wreck. The countdown is on until the meltdown in Seattle."
- Waxpaperbeercup

"If I said anything bad about Bradley, I'm sure he would just call me a racist, but here goes anyways. In a year that saw the above players and more compete for the COI Idiot of the Year (http://www.collegeofidiots.com/2009/10/coi-idiot-and-hero-of-year.html), you still ran away with the vote. Congratulations!"
- Ginger Russ, College of Idiots

"We recommend Anger Control Treatment & Therapies, located at 651 Strander Blvd., Suite B-120 in beautiful Tukwila, WA"
- The Ted Lilly Fan Club

Neal Cotts - RP

Is there a crappier lefty releiver in the game? If so, they're probably named Kevin Cotts-Ohman.

Key Stats: At one point, late during a close game with the Cardinals early in the year, was brought on to face 9-1-2. He proceeded to throw 8 straight pitches outside the zone. This event singlehandedly gave pitching coach Larry Rothschild hemorrhoids.

"Must be nice to be left-handed."
- Waxpaperbeercup

"Take the #3 King Drive Bus down to the South side where you belong."
- The Ted Lilly Fan Club

"At least you got injured half-way through the season so you didn't embarrass yourself like these other Idiots. That's a good thing I guess."
- Ginger Russ, College of Idiots

Chad Fox - RP

Why no action shots? Oh, you don't want to see that.

Achieved the "So bad it's good" level, a designation rarely awarded to anything other than the films of Steven Segal.

"1.35 ERA is pretty impressive. Why didn't we keep this guy? Wait, I forgot to carry the decimal a couple places. Oh, THAT's why!"
- Ginger Russ, College of Idiots

"I'm sure he's got a couple more comebacks in him."
- Waxpaperbeercup

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Behind the Mask: Breaking Down Suckmardzija

- "Lou is motioning to the pen ... contorting his face like all goodness has vanished from the world ... I believe that's the signal for the right Samardzija ..."

The desert that is the winter comment section was hilariously refreshed earlier this week by the arrival of a singular new voice to WAIW. This individual - popping up as Anonymous and later signed Mike, and who we will henceforth refer to as AnonyMike - was able to take a meandering 26-item list and become offended by a single adjective in a sentence about my spelling skills. Clearly, we see, the topic of Samardzija divides Cubdom. Some see him as a future starter and savior of an aging team. Others have watched him pitch. Let's take a look at the arguments, after the jump.





- "You're a joke, and so is your blog. Give the kid some time to develop. It's only been a cup of tea at this point regarding his time in the show..."

Fact: I will not likely get along with anyone who calls it "The Show." It's why I rejected Kevin Costner's friend request. That and his performance in "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves."

It's cup of coffee, not tea. We've caught you, you Redcoat bastard! Also, that term is usually applied to career minor leaguers who get a fleeting glimpse of the major leagues, not top prospects paid millions to serve up bases-clearing doubles.

Why is he making the Quaker Oats Guy face?

- "1.40 whip in the MINORS? This is what your basing your bs comments on??? Its the freaking minors! Thats like comparing my sex life now, to back when I first got layed in the 9th grade!"

"Layed in the 9th grade"? Laid all the time by the foxy ladies now? That's nothing - when I'm talking to strangers on the Internet, I'm a nymphomaniac 19 year old Japanese girl.

I will, for now disregard his 1.40 WHIP in the minors. I will instead refer to his 1.41 WHIP in the majors. In 2008. His "good" year. Or his 1.76 from last year, which is also the number of pitches in the man's arsenal.

- "Let me ask you this John, you ever played the game? Give the kid a chance to develop. He's only been pitching full time for 3 seasons now. If youre so caught up on numbers, look at his 2008 big league numbers..."

I have indeed played the game. I sucked like mad. We're able to recognize our own.

I have indeed looked at his 2008 numbers. I believe you're speaking of August 08, when he pitched 14 innings and didn't give up a run. This, I believe, is where all this false hope comes from. The following month, people figured out that he was either going to throw the fastball or the dead duck pitch. September did not go so well against the division opponents.

2009 went even worse. Unless Milton Bradley was personally punching him in the arm between bullpen sessions or Mark DeRosa was his pitching mentor, I don't really see how we can blame anything but regression from the brief glimmer of hope. He was supposed to be a solid part of the bullpen, After a shaky start, he was for all intents and purposes banished from May until July. He then came back, giving up runs like a pedophile slinging ice cream sandwiches at the park. Garbage time ensued, and if you look at late July, August, and September, he didn't exactly thrive in that role either.



- "Why does everything have to be about ND with this kid? I dont give a rats ass about where he went to college. Unless he went to Indiana."

It's all about ND because the only people that still expect him to be anything but a serviceable middle pen guy are either big ND fans or blinded by his football achievements. If you believe that Skilled Athlete = Superior Skill Player, then I believe the Bears front office may have a job for you. He's 25 now - exactly how long are we supposed to wait for Todd Van Poppel Jr. to develop a third pitch or acceptable location?

Of course, if he suddenly proves me wrong on our way to the World Series, then no hard feelings. But for now, I believe that I am the winner of the Internet, which is a half-tier below winning the Greyhound Station Masturbation Olympics in terms of respectability. AnonyMike, thank you for making our week more interesting. I haven't had to write about arbitration once.

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A Lifetime of Brutal Lessons: 26 Things I've Learned From the Cubs

It's all downhill from here, you poor fat bastard...

As it turns out, today I turn 26. As I am completely unwilling to write an article about arbitration (no offense to other Cubs bloggers that have, I just find the topic brutally uninteresting ... oh, wait, sorry), I have decided to commemorate the day of my birth my sharing the collected wisdom of my years as relates to our favorite team.

1. Your favorite player at age 6 will probably remain your favorite player for life.

2. You might hate a team for your entire life, but nothing is more obnoxious than the fans of a team that suddenly gets semi-competitive.

3. Being able to pee in a metal bucket, shoulder to shoulder with strangers, is the true test of a man. And reflecting on this is not, in any way, homoerotic.

4. No matter how much suffering the Cubs cause, the universe stays in balance through the existence of McGarnagle. Observe:

5. I am clearly no artist - not even in that ironic, laughing-at-you-not-with-you, outsider art way.

Yes I do indeed take this to the bitter end, after the jump



6. When you suck at a job someone's overpaying you to do, go ahead and call racism. A surprising number of idiots will come to your defense. On the bright side, if you're a Cubs blogger, your far more popular blogger friend will give you a forum to make light of the situation. Take that, Milton Bradley!

7. Cubs bloggers are awesome. Sending out 18 e-mails a week to them is time consuming.

8. Combining a pub crawl with live blogging is the greatest idea in the history of thinking.

9. I realized lately that I'm racist. You see, we signed this much-hyped free agent to an expensive deal. They were a bust, and hated us just as much as we hated them. We booed them, so clearly, all of us are racist. I accept that. Fuckin' white people.

10. When you're a Cubs fan and your kid wants a story with a happy ending, you have to go wayyyyyyyy back in the archives.

11. The more you overpay for tickets, the quicker the Cubs starter will implode.

12. In case our multiple hints haven't driven the point home - Jeff Samardzija = Rocky Dennis from the television film Mask. You're welcome.

13. Oh, son of a bitch. I just realized I can spell Samardzija by memory. God forbid my brain keep information like algebra, when my bills are due, or how many teaspoons in a tablespoon. No, the rampantly ethnic names of disappointing long relievers - that's my specialty.

14. Printing your own koozies is like having a child that you can jam a beer into without someone calling child protective services. (Seriously, buy a koozie. I'll let them go for $2 apiece to the first couple people to comment on this post. That is assuming anyone is reading this far down. I predict zero koozies sold. Prove me wrong, a-holes.)

15. When you set out to lovingly cover your favorite baseball team, you will use the tag Delicious Brains and Ted Lilly Crotch Shot more than the tag Playoffs.

16. Holy crap, 26 items is a long list. Allow me to add some filler by stating I would like the following individuals to eat a Hot Pocket out of a chamber pot:

17. Milton Bradley (notracistnotracistnotracistnotracist)

18. Kevin Greggggggg

19. Gordon Wittenmeyer

20. Anyone who bought/owns/wears a "Horry Kow" t-shirt.

21. It's enjoyable to call the fans of your rivals fat - Chicago is a model city for healthful eating and fitness.

22. Much like Calvinists, Sox fans were born without souls. Do not hate. Pity.

23. No matter how obnoxious Sox fans get, it remains a fact that their team will always be second-class in this city. And some of them ain't half bad. Not that we're going to start employing them or anything.

24. Provoking the fans of other teams is fun, and leads to an excellent jump in hits. Especially when they're fat, mulleted, and smell like cheese curds and failure. Eh? Eh?

25. Greatest entrance song ever? Greatest entrance song ever.

26. I suppose you'd expect me to end with something corny like "I love this team" or "Cubs bloggers are the best in the world!!1!" But no. I offer counsel, via my Europe-traveling sister's friend's paranoid mom: If a gypsy ever throws a baby at you in Rome, you do not catch that baby. It's a classic tourist move, and they'll rob your ass blind. You let that gypsy baby fall, and you do it for 'Murrrica.


That's it! Go and celebrate my existence by drinking whiskey and loudly criticizing the weight problem of a Brewers fan.

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Thursday Roundup: Maddux, Monsters, and Monotony

Maddux

1987 Greg Maddux: Here to fix your cable.

Number retiree (grumblerabblerabblegrumble) Greg Maddux is now a member of the front office. He was long known as perhaps the smartest player in the game, showing advanced mental acuity at the same time Carl Everett was talking about how secular liberals invented dinosaurs. He should be an asset to the front office, provided we don't let him become one of the top young front office people, then refuse to pay him, then see him go become a Hall of Fame GM with another team. Most importantly, though, is my fervent hope that he's smarter than the guy who brought in Milton Bradley, Aaron Miles, and Aaron Heilman in hopes of turning a contender into a champion. Let's hope we're pulling a Scotty Bowman here.

More Hard-Hitting News, After the Jump



Monsters

Pictured: Roughly 63 percent of Mark McGwire.

Noted steroid monster Mark McGwire finally admitted to ... well, to being a steroid monster. He also told us that Santa Claus wasn't real, and that the tooth fairy has been dead since right after the Korean war. Completely fucked up our day.

Bloggers are the Worst

"Blerrrr, his VOLPHSINSH stat isn't nearly as high as Franklin 'Whitey' Blanshire, who as been EXCLUDED from the Hall. Injustice. INJUSTICE!"

Every single Hall of Fame vote, it's the same thing - "This guy shouldn't be in the Hall when that guy's not," "That guy doesn't have enough walks," "That guy shouldn't wear that hat to the Hall." Over and over and over. Indignant ejaculation of stats, red-faced exhortations that a sane person could not possibly think a certain way, and - worst of all - monocles dropping into drinks wholesale across the land.

All of this is tied into a certain theme - how things "should" be. It makes me insane, and makes me start to defend the cro-magnons who think that the new school of stats somehow harms the game. I'm just sick of hearing about these black box algorithms for weeks on end every time there's a HOF vote. I get it, there's absolutely dick going on during the off-season. Much of it isn't worth writing about. But that's what YouTube, shitty merchandise, and an overabundance of cursing is for.

Monotony

Pictured: WAIW Newsroom. Also pictured: Re-used joke.

As I mentioned above, the off-season can be brutal when it comes to running a Cubs blog. We don't podcast, we don't really have a whole lot of comments, and there's clearly been little off-season roster activity. At least it's hitting the professionals just as hard. In fact, there's a sampling of the top Cubs headlines on the Trib site today:

- Jaramillo Expects to Exceed Expectations
- Piniella Thinks Mark McGwire Should be in Hall of Fame
- Johnson Still in Cubs outfield picture
- Cubs Sign Minor League 1B

Yeah, that about covers it. The Piniella story is bullshit - I saw the interview, he said that he expects McGwire will one day be in the HOF, because people have short memories, and that it's probably for the best. That, friends is not a story. Jaramillo and Johnson aren't really stories at all, and the unnamed minor leaguer barely qualifies as such. So here we are, cursing and mocking the ghost of 2009's past and turning a cynical eye to the future. Glad you're along for the ride.

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Cubs Media Monday Whatever Day We Feel Like: Someone Got '80s in My Baseball

Super Mustache Week continues here at WAIW. Also, some sort of Hall of Fame thing happened. I think I read about it somewhere.

We're still basking in the glow of the Hawk's selection to the Hall of Fame. Nothing - not even an Expos cap - could dampen WAIW's enthusiasm about one of the few Cubs players that Steve and I agree upon fully. So he goes in as an Expo. That won't matter much, as I don't really intend to make the trip to shit-ass New York and pay $16.50 to see that stupid Expos logo. Just knowing my favorite player is there is enough for me. Also, as a blogger that curses about a sport that the people who run it treat with the reverence of a Catholic Cardinal, I'm not sure I'm allowed there anyway. So let's celebrate in our own way - '80s style. We're not the 1st, or even the 10th Cubs blog to post this amazing Andre Dawson theme song, but here goes.

28 (Andre Dawson)Hes a Hero sound bite

"Okay, John," you say, "that's nice. I've already heard that. Now what can you bring to the table that's new?" First of all, shut your face, imaginary reader. I don't like the smug tone that I've projected upon you. Second of all, as Steve will attest, I get into a weird John Nash-like state when I find something so cheesy yet so unabashedly enthusiastic. It's awesome, but it's also an abomination (abawesomenation?). I've listened to it dozens of times and taken notes. I have A Beautiful Mind. And also possibly A Lovely Mental Problem. Here are my notes on the matter. Refer back to the embedded song, if you must. Prepare to rock, motherfuckers. I'm dropping some science on you, after the jump.

The Hawk slides in safely to a base guarded by some hideous powder blue mutant. Surely this beast comes not from God's earth?

0:01 - Oh, wow, they're building excitement with the classic MVP chant. As a Cubs fan, I have not often heard that unironically.

0:09 - But wait, the '80s drum machine roll makes me wonder if they're talking about the Hawk, or the drum machine itself. Oh drum machine, you truly were the MVP of the 1980s.

0:25 - For fuck's sake, they've been chanting "MVP, MVP" for almost half a minute. Whennn are they gonna get to the fireworks factoryyyyyy?

0:33 - "Number 8 puts on his ..." and that's where I'm stuck. I'm convinced it's supposed to be glove. But actually, really listen to it. It doesn't sound like glove. I could be "puts on his clawwwww" or "puts on his glaiiiive." Holy shit, wouldn't that be badass? The Hawk out there on a sunny June day, rocking a motherfucking glaive?

0:43 - Aaaand, you're finally informed that this song is about Andre Dawson, not Michael Barrett, or Mike Quade, or Moe Thacker.

0:48 - Climbing the ivy walls, eh? Someone help be out here, when did they install the baskets? I was just a young pup back then. If they were there back then, the next verse should be "Number 8, get stuck in the baaaaasket, Number 8, says 'oh fuuuuck'."

0:58 - And the refrain makes it all better. This is such an '80s overdose that I'm starting to get paranoid that Rainbow Brite is out to kill me and wear my skin as a coat. Sweeeeeet.

1:02 - I can't particularly pin down why I think "he's a celebrated hero" sounds so awkward in falsetto verse, but it just does. Not that it's not adding a lot of charm to the whole proceeding.

1:12 - His Golden Gloves are ... what? Waiting by the window? Isn't that an invitation to theft? Or are they sentient? HAVE THE GLOVES ACHIEVED SENTIENCE?!? QUICKLY, BELVEDERE, BRING ME MY SHOTGUN! THIS IS WHAT WE TRAINED FOR, PEOPLE!!!

1:24 - Ah, the Home Run Derby win. What I find amusing is that 4 home runs won that particular event. Oh for a simpler time before elephant hormones and the emergence of the clean urine commodities market. The Hawk joined other legendary sluggers who won the event, such as Wally Joyner, Dave Parker, and that guy who was really mean to Henry Rowengartner.

1:26 - Ummm ... The Hawk wasn't a unanimous selection for MVP. Unless we're speaking of the Sexy Mustache League. And I think it's pretty clear that we are.

1:38 - The pitchers wish they could switch to another career. Or just another member of the Cubs lineup. 1987 was not a great year, team-wise, on the North Side.

1:58 - The veritable climax of our epic journey through sonic bliss. The announcer - who Steve and I have tabbed as a poor Brickhouse impersonator - comes in, evoking shades of Starship's "We Built This City on Rock and Roll."

2:08 - The chanting is back. Self-trepanation looms.

2:45-3:04 - I haven't seen such a painful fade since that time Steve and I watched the entire House Party series.

Aaaand that about wraps up this detailed log of my descent into Lovecraftian madness. If you'd like to download the mp3 - and you certainly do - then it's right here for your pleasure. If you'd really like to go all out, snatch up this rare WGN VHS. Act quickly. He's our hero, after all. A celebrated one.

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Today in Fuckyeah: Hawk in the Hall

Look closely. I'm pretty sure he signed his name "Captain Awesome, Esq."

They said it wouldn't happen. Hell, I said it would happen to Steve when this topic came up a couple of months ago. But today, dear readers, Andre Dawson, the Hawk and our favorite Starting Lineup hero, was elected to baseball's Hall of Fame. We will note, also, that he is the only such player to do so this year, because the people who vote on this thing take HOF induction more seriously than the veneration of a saint. And yea, today we have St. Hawk of Wrigley.

Let's all pretend I didn't go looking on eBay for action figures once the vote was announced.

Also hilarious? As I write this, the Trib's headline remains out of date. WAIW has scooped you, ya bastards! We remain, I should point out, far behind the rest of the Internet.

An old-timey scoop. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Zombie Colonel McCormick! Rock beats scissor, paper covers rock, and Internet kills paper.

More about this joyous event, after the jump.



I predict an increase in Dawson jersey sales. I myself might brave the shrieking, clattering, punchable crowds at Woodfield to pick up a Dawson player shirt sometime this week. It's a mix of me being so happy for my favorite childhood player and the fact that I need to leech on to each moment of Cubs joy, for they may be few and far between. Though the man played far longer for Montreal, he was a Cub through and through, excelling on the field and embraced by fans across the city. Plus, you know, fuck Montreal. And by the transitive property, the Nationals.

But not all is good news, dear friends. Former Cub Eric Karros (336 total at-bats for our Boys in Blue) received 2 votes - a whopping 0.4 percent - and will be stricken from the ballot like a shamed political candidate. Why two people believe that a forgettable career .268 hitter belongs in the hall in beyond me. Lee Smith fell short again, but gained a few votes over last time. The biggest shocker, Don Mattingly, who received a scant 16.1 percent of the vote. Maybe next time he'll trim those sideburns.

"DAMMIT MATTINGLY, I SAID TRIM THOSE SIDEBURNS! YOU'RE OFF THE TEAM!!!"

Aaaaaand, just to be an asshole, I'm going to point out that former South Sider Robin Ventura received a total of 7 votes (less than a third of Andres Galaragga, hahaha) and will be summarily flushed from the ballot like so much human waste. I haven't seen Ventura go down in such a pathetic manner since he decided it was a good idea to charge Nolan Ryan.

If only "So You Had a Bad Day" was invented back then. Hilarious montages would have ensued.

Happy New Year, you magnificent bastards.

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WAIW: Wishing An Incredible Wintertimeholiday

With the holiday week upon us Gentiles, we here at WAIW would like to extend wish everyone a Merry Christmas. This means we will be taking a break for the rest of the week from our strenuous 1.67 posts per week December average and simply give you this 1. Be sure to check back next week, when we post about how we taught our new Furbies to say dirty words:

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Problem Bradley for Problem Silva

The Cubs recently signed Venezuelan star Carlos Silva, made famous for his roll as El Kendro Powers in the Spanish language adaption of "Eastbound and Down"

Well, we finally did it. We traded Milton Bradley for Carlos past-his-prime-coming-off-of-an-8.60-E.R.A.-season Silva. Looking at his career stats, it is dumbfounding why anyone would make this move. 4.72 E.R.A. for his career, hasn't had a winning record since 2005 (and that was 9-8), and pitched 30 innings last year. The only thing he has in common with the Cubs staff is his post-season skills: 0-1, 10.60 E.R.A., lasting 5.0 innings. On top of it all, we won't even clear payroll room, as he is due $25 million over the next two years.

Sigh.

This is what happens when you really hate someone and are willing to show it by any means necessary. It's like trying to get back at your ex-girlfriend, but end up with a lifetime filled with syphilis. Take me out to the ballgame, buy me some penicillin and cracker jacks.

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