Progress Tracker: May Edition

Oh, May. You wicked rat bastard of a month. So beautiful to the eye, yet so deadly to the Cubs fan spirit - a latter-day Delphine LaLaurie. There have been some excellent individual moments (Woody striking out one last batter, besting the Dodgers and Atlanta, watching James Russell turn into a legit reliever), but there's also the matter of that 16 days during the month where the Cubs had not won a game. Losing a complete dozen in a row tends to take the wind out of one's sails faster than the PA announcing "now pinch-hitting for the Cubs, Joey Gathright." But let's take a look at our progress metrics, shall we?

LaHair Fever Tracker - May

It's easy to observe that the thrilled disbelief with which the Cubs fanbase has embraced LaHair has cooled down a bit. Losing a dozen do that. But where does LaHair Fever stand presently in comparison to 2008's Fukdome Fever and Racist T-Shirt Jamboree?

Bryan LaHair, May 2012 splits -.253/.343/.448, 22H, 5HR, 8 RBI
Kosuke Fukudome, May 2008 - .298/.388/.404, 29H, 2HR, 11 RBI




DINGDINGDING! We have a winnah! Sell high, Theo.


May 2012 Team Stats

Record 10-17 (18-32 overall, 10 games back)
7-7 at Wrigley
3-10 elsewheres
3-10 vs. NL Central (gah!)
103 scored
173 runs surrendered (gah a second time!)

Offense through May
Runs scored - 185 (27th in MLB)
Average - .249 (17th)
OBP - .309 (24th)
Slugging - .388 (19th)

Pitching through May
ERA - 4.35 (25th)
Quality Starts - 24 (23rd)
WHIP - 1.35 (20th)
Avg. Against - .243 (12th)

We improved the helllll out of the offense, but that would have been difficult not to do after being ranked 24th or worse in every category through April.  Pitching got worse all around, which was probably largely due to Garza's post-flu struggle, Dolis's Marmolization, and Ryan Dempster deciding the offense doesn't deserve to have nice things anymore.

Six of the division losses are to the Astros and Pirates. That's sadder than a Feed the Children commercial.

WAIW MVPs for May 

Offense - Alfonso Soriano: 93 AB, 27H, 10R, 7HR, 17RBI, .290/.353/.591, .944 OPS

Hopefully this award will attract a team that needs a power bat, perhaps in the DH slot. Or it's just recognition of a genuinely solid May. His OBP well outpaced Castro's, and we've already seen what's gone on with LaHair. Hell, anyone having a decent month with what went on is a pleasant surprise.

Pitching - Jeff Samardzija: 3-2, 6GS, 40.0 IP, 40K, 1.050 WHIP, .211 BAA, 11ER, 2.48 ERA

It's becoming apparent that we may have to spend a significant portion of the year giving Samardzija praise through clenched teeth that boils with all the acrid rage of a passive-aggressive dinner party conversation between New England WASPs.

You earned it, you son of a bitch.

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SCIENCE! - Samardzija Bobblehead Edition

It is well-documented that I am a big fan of the bobblehead giveways, barring the stupid-as-fuck 2010 edition that featured Ryan Theriot in a fishing vest and Carlos Zambrano playing soccer. I'll even go to Jeff Samardzija bobblehead day, despite my well-documented dislike for any and everything Notre Dame. And I'm glad I did, because look at that thing. It's a glorious masterwork of super-creepy sculpture. Look into its eyes and feel the hopelessness of a cold, indifferent universe.

In the short period of my ownership of this mysterious artifact, I have done a number of experiments, because ... science. As such, I have a rundown on the capabilities and drawbacks of owning this unique item.

BEHOLD - SCIENCE!:

- You cannot sleep with this in the room.. Not only do its eyes follow you like a haunted painting in a Hammer horror film, but it will literally come alive at night and try to kill you. Even says so on the box.

- You can leave it in the garden or field to scare away crows. And barn owls. And superstitious Gypsy women.

- You cannot leave this alone in the house with cats. Came home and the cat had given birth to a hissing abomination with a thick neck and Inigo Montoya facial hair. Had to kill it with fire and bury it in consecrated ground. Hell of a Thursday night.

- You cannot leave it within 500 yards of a school, daycare center, or Chuck E Cheese. The neighbors get super ornery.

- You can trade it in for six pre-owned VHS copies of Rudy or a lightly soiled Ron Powlus jersey.

- You can bring it to John Barleycorn and have six bros from Naperville send it rounds of Bud Light or vodka-Red Bull. But why would you ever want to go there?

- You cannot feed it tacos, no matter how drunk you get and/or how hilarious you think it will be.

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Cubs 8 - Padres 6: Streaking at Wrigley

And with that bit of revelry, Garza put Barney on the 15-day DL. It was mostly ice.

Sometimes, in the midst of a 12-game losing streak and a sweep by two NL Central historical doormat teams, you find your friends saying "that's IT! I'm DONE for the year. No more Cubs." You might even find yourself saying so during a dark night of the soul - perhaps one that directly follows a Michael Bowden relief appearance. But a series like the one we just finished really demonstrates the bone-deep sickness that drives the beating heart of Cubs fandom. Yes, we're still looking upward at the second-to-doormat position by four games. Indeed, we're cheering on Soriano to increase his trade value in hopes of getting back a sack of fertilizer and eating some $40 million. But by god, man, we just swept a home series during a beautiful handful of May afternoons by way of a walk-off home run from a light-hitting infielder. If that doesn't bring at least a tiny smile, then your bitter, blackened heart beats naught but the old fyer oil from Long John Silvers. Although I will agree with my wife that the exuberance shown by the team at the first 3-game winning streak of the year illustrates a bit of how far we've fallen since those back-to-back Central champion years.

On my way home from work, the Cubs tied things up with Castro infield single - an act of sheer will and inefficient fielding - right as I exited the Kennedy. James Russell was striking out Chase Headley just as I got the TV onto CSN. That meant that I got to see Darwin Barney's face as the ball he popped into left-center just ... sorta kept going. Len and Bob professed disbelief in its carrying power until it was almost in the seats. But the best part was that I got to the TV in time to see Darwin Barney's face on the immediate replay. He's running past first, hoping for a gapper, and all of the sudden he realizes it's gone. There's an actual "oh, holy shit, YESSSSS!" moment caught on camera that you'd have to be Zombie Elizabeth Bathory to turn a cold eye toward.:

I make this face every time I get a hit in beer league softball.

It doesn't solve our problems on a season-wide scale, but what a great moment. For all the snark that pours forth during a tough stretch, Steve and I keep watching to catch something like this, not to make shitty jokes about the bullpen. People always ask why I'm a Cubs fan when they've gone so long without winning anything significant. I've always said that the trick is to collect moments if you can't have an entire perfect season. It's about watching for and remembering the things that made a certain game out of the thousands you watch stand out years later. It's not even how it ended - it's that he looked as surprised and thrilled as the rest of us. The fact that he hit it off of a man who looks for all the world like Griff Tannen from Back to the Future III is just extra.

Things might not be great this season, but they're certainly okay right now.

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Long Weekend Recap: Bad, Bad, Bad, Good, Good

The new scoreboard tries to get Soriano's attention, to remind him that a solo home run is cliche for Alfonso.

For a moment there, were you wondering if the Cubs would do something so cliche as to lose 13 in a row and inspire an entirely new subset of the ever-present curse cottage industry? I'll admit, when the home runs were just flying over Travis Wood's head, I was crafting imaginary blog leads in my head. And even without, my god, it was awful to be in the midst of getting swept by the Astros and the Pirates and knowing with dread and growing certainty that it was going to happen. It's a good thing the Padres suck. Nothing like being the second-smallest fish in the pond.

Line Items

- The Anthony Rizzo story has gone on so long that I'm pretty sure the new "news" articles are beginning to eat the tail of the older ones.

Next week: White Windowless Van Night

- The Jeff Samardzija bobblehead looks like a tiny plastic pedophile. We're way beyond Stranger Danger here - it's Chester Molester territory. Neat use of the alternate blue jersey, though. Someone on eBay seems to think they can get $40 for it.

- People underrate defensively talented first basemen - we did it with Derrek Lee all the time. I hope watching Bryan LaHair biff half the crap hit his way will help us value the next guy who can make a fielding difference at first. Hell, Jeff Baker looked stellar in comparison on Tuesday. That's no good.

- I'm going to start buying Get Well cards in bulk, because I need this to be the last time I ever see Koyie Hill attempt to hit. He's honestly not much better than batting Garza. Can we DH for him during interleague play? Or perhaps send up Tony Campana with a fake mustache, pretending to hold his hand all funny?

- Brian Dennehy is a glorious, glorious Stretch singer, and an entertaining interview to boot on Monday. He perpetually sounds like the fun uncle at your party who has a couple of beers down. Big Chicago guy, entertaining, made sense.

- Ace of Cakes on Tuesday, on the other hand? How the hell did that happen? "Ladies and gentlemen of Chicago, please welcome the Baltimore native who makes fondant reproductions of rich people's dogs!"

- We go for the sweep today. Ryan Dempster is still going for his first win. His. First. Win. Madness.

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Astros 5 - Cubs 1: Nueve

"Gonna punch you. Right here. Think about it, bud."

Nine? Nine. Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine. NEIN. Nyne.

Nine

Nine

Nine

Nine

NINE

What is there even to say? 0-9 RISP. A really ugly 2-run swing in the 4th thanks to Barney and DeJesus collectively not calling the ball. Reed Johnson's solo homer was literally the only offense that counted in the final line. 

Let us descend one circle of Hell further come Friday, when we have the chance to also get swept by the Pirates.

     

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Astros 2 - Cubs 1: Travis Wood Freed, Results Unchanged

Superman that 'Stro

Remember my earlier calls for Travis Wood over Chris Volstad? Turns out Travis Wood's supposed to provide his own offense as well. You know how sometimes you watch a movie where a maverick cop is shooting up downtown in pursuit of a ruthless killer? And the Captain is all "YOU'RE OUT OF CONTROL, MCGARNAGLE!"? And then he takes his glasses off and rubs the bridge of his nose so hard that you think he has a migraine or tumor? I may just call the Cubs offense into my office and do that very same weary eye-rub.

It's literally as bad as it's ever been. Remember when we were talking about how the Cubs had finally gotten over that horrendous April? Well even in Horrendous April, we never lost eight in a row. But apparently Bud Norris/AJ Happ is a rotation on par with Maddux/Glavine.

You know what everyone's talking about this morning? Campana diving over Matt Downs. And what happens after that Castro and Soriano both strike out with him on third. That's exactly how this series has gone - flashes of ecstatic hope followed by the crushing boot of reality. And holy hell, I've dedicated the entire positive portion of the offense talk to A FRIGGIN PINCH RUNNER.

As least Travis Wood looked solid. Certainly a Jose Altuve solo shot shouldn't be the kill shot.

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Astros 8 - Cubs 4: The Wonders of DVR

He was so shaken up afterward that he could only hit a solo homer.

I was all set to go last night - catch up on a couple more episodes of Breaking Bad, then reap the benefits of having recorded the first hour and a half of the game on DVR. No commercials! No replays, except those I choose! No ... real reason to watch after a third inning. Hell.

I learned from groggily watching the news this morning that the Cubs have not led a baseball game in 50 innings. All four of our runs came in garbage time in the 9th, when a series of three relievers gave up five hits. You know who used to go up big and then let bad relievers run around a bit? The Cubs. When they played the Astros. We are certainly in a different era.

At the beginning of the broadcast, Len and Bob were talking about the potential danger of the Astros bunting at Garza, what with his Harlem Globetrotter-esque bounce passes to first base in those situations.Turns out, it was the opposite that killed him. That marks three starts that Garza hasn't looked very comfortable since the flu took him out of those two games. Hopefully he's not firing curveballs like pellets out of a 12-gauge the next time we see him toe the rubber. He should, at the very least, be well-rested, having thrown only 72 last night. Randy Wells ended up throwing what was essentially a spot start - 5 innings of 3 hit, 1 run ball over 78 pitches. At least they preserved the bullpen for tonight.

But let's not absolve the offense just yet. Light hitting Tony Campana did literally everything but steal home to try and build momentum in the first, and had a first-hand seat to the continued struggles of LaHair Fever, who combined with Starlin Castro to go 0-6 with runners in scoring position. You can't tell me Bud Norris is that dominant. In comparison, Blake Lalli and Reed Johnson went 2-2 in garbage time. Maybe we shuffle that lineup a little sooner? Until we start scoring meaningful runs, the Minnesota series and Rizzo can't get here quickly enough.

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Cubs Media Monday: Wood on the 20K Game

We're definitely going to be preoccupied with Kerry Wood this week at WAIW, so be prepared for a more sepia-filtered tone than usual. It helps that this video is FANTASTIC. It's Woody getting interviewed about the 20 strikeout game by one of the guys who was holding a K sign in the Bleachers. Join us, won't you?

0:09 - I'd never heard that he felt off his game that day.

0:28 - Never thrown 9 innings? It's easy to forget he went from high school pitcher to Rookie of the Year so quickly.

0:34 - People forget that the Cubs were doing anything but cruising that day. Kerry could have legitimately taken the L with 16-17 strikeouts that day. Classic Cubs! Shane Reynolds took the loss for the Astros that day, and pitched 8 innings of 8 hit, 2 run ball. Most days, that's a gem.

0:51 - The fist pump was for finishing the game? I can dig that. You don't want to leave the result of your best game ever to Rod Beck's trucker stache, though '98 would have been the year to do it.

1:07 - "Went back to my condo downtown." Hey, I have a condo in the city too! Kerry Wood's a real Chicagoan, a ...

1:12 - Okay, maybe not. Hilarious choice of celebratory dinner, though. Was there not an Applebee's within walking distance? THIS IS A STEAKHOUSE TOWN, MAN!

1:18 - The takeaway lesson is quickly becoming that Kerry Wood has excellent teeth. I bet he could bite through steel.

1:23 - I bet he's bumped into way more than 20 K Guys. The attendance was 15,758, and we all know how well the Cubs can pad those "paid attendance" numbers. Certainly if my own personal experience is to be believed, the crowd was made up of 5% People I've Met.

1:31 - "I'm not ready to start another career yet." DAGGER TO THE HEART

1:42 - Obviously his main goal is to win a championship. He's kind enough not to say "but I'm on the Cubs, sooooo..."

2:34 - "This is as good a year as any" is my favorite fucking thing any Cubs player has ever said. I'm going to try and work that into all my Cubs conversations in the obnoxious, oblivious manner of an NPR subscriber with a new Word of the Day calendar.

Thanks for joining us.

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Weekend Recap: Are You Booing or Saying 'Boo-Urns'?

Yeah, that's about how it went all weekend

Ever watch The Karate Kid and hope that instead of finding his inner strength and fighting back, Daniel-san would instead have just rolled over and let Cobra Kai kick the holy shit out of him? Boy was this the weekend for you? The South Side William Zabkas took all three games from the Cubs for the first time at Wrigley since 1999. We are a long way from the season sweep of 2007. Depending on how things go at Strip Mall Park, we may very well see the pendulum swing the other way. Remember when I told you on Friday that you had to choose a side in the City Series and stick with it, for good or ill? This is the ill. This is very, very ill.

 WAIW owes you a couple Old Styles

 As we posted following the Friday morning Twittersplosion, Kerry Wood retired following one final swinging K on Dayan Viciedo. He left the mound and the game forever, and half the gentlemen of my generation of Cubs fans got that Brian's Song feeling. And, as it turned out, the final pitch for one of the most beloved Cubs players of the last two decades was the high point of the entire weekend series. Even with everyone's eyes on him, Woody had to know that you can only write so much of your own story. He still had to pitch, and it'd been a rough year on that front. The fact that he was able to scrape together one final perfect moment was incredible.

As bittersweet as Wood's near-perfect curtain call was, the rest of the weekend was like chugging Drano. Remember that mini-run of good baseball and great fan sentiment? That lasted about as long as Pogs. It's now six losses in a row, and 9 of the last 12. We're 28th in the Major Leagues in runs, 25th in OBP, and 23rd in slugging. Wasting good pitching? Only if you're talking about some of the starting pitching. 15-26. Eesh.

This week, we're looking at Houston and Pittsburgh. Either we're going to start turning it around a bit, or we're going to find out exactly how bad things are. But hey! Our calls to Free Travis Wood were heeded by management, giving us a measure of clout unsuggested by the page count numbers. So Garza tonight, no Volstad tomorrow, and a chance to pick up some wins and maybe see Rizzo soon. Apparently the optimism hasn't been completely beaten out of me.

Go Cubs Go! (please)

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Cubs vs. Sox: The City Series

Can one of you Etsy people needlepoint this one for me?

In the past, we at WAIW have gotten ourselves rather worked up over the Cubs/Sox series. While I'm not nearly as fire-and-brimstone as I used to be, I still believe that a man (or woman) must choose. Being a Cubs fan or a Sox fan is the only thing that separates you from the asshole who come out of the woodwork every year, asking you "Hey, does Zambrano still play for the Cubs?" or "How do you think Frank Thomas is gonna do against them?" Away with your "I'm a Chicago fan," or "I'm just a fan of baseball." That is some hippie bullshit, and you can go protest NATO if you're gonna be like that and enjoy Chicago's Finest during a politically tense mob situation. Nothing could possibly go wrong.

Make your stand, people. You used to only have to do it twice a year. Now that there's only one weekend series - which is just incredibly stupid - you really only have to rally yourself against your dickish co-workers and family members once. Be brave. Stay steadfast. It'll be fine.

Line Items

- I'm already uncomfortable with how we've been forced to backslide somewhat on the anti-Samardzija sentiment around here. This latest interview by the man quoted on ESPN is killing me in how brilliant it is. It's literally Guillen-level trolling. On the White Sox broadcasts:

“There’s a lot of them, man,” Samardzija said. “I always liked the ones where he didn’t talk for like an inning and a half. Then all of a sudden he’d be like, ‘The 2-2, two outs …’ It’s like, well, where were the other 15 pitches that happened that inning? “That was when (Darrin Jackson) was (on TV) too. I loved watching those guys. They’re entertaining. I always liked his ‘Hose’ call. That was my favorite. They’re fun to watch, fun to listen to. Like I said, you can always get a good nap in during the Sox game.”

You son of a bitch.

We're this close to apologizing for being so crappy to you over the years. I like how we address him as though he reads the blog.

- Are you a Cubs fan on Facebook? Have fun when your entire timeline is choked with anti-Cubs rhetoric for the weekend from your Sox fan ... acquaintances. It's a weird beast being a White Sox fan. You have to follow your team, but you also have to follow the Cubs obsessively, so that you can pull off that aggrieved stepchild act required of all Sox fans.

- Speaking of people being contentious and shitty, we'll not be addressing the Super-PAC fiasco that kersploded my Twitter feed yesterday. Not gonna do it. Plenty of very good Cubs bloggers will, though. So read them.

- One thing I love unconditionally despite its commercial roots? The New Era video series featuring Ron Swanson and Darryl Philbin (yes, I know they're not actually the characters in real life) slinging shit at each other for a couple minutes.

Chicago vs. Chicago, Round I

Chicago vs. Chicago: Round 1 from Nick Offerman

Chicago vs. Chicago, Round II

Chicago vs. Chicago: Round 2 - watch more funny videos

If those hats didn't make my giant head look even bigger, I'd totally buy a hat in support. WE DEMAND MORE FITTED SLOUCH CAPS!

- No matter how serious things seem this weekend, and how shitty you might be tempted to act toward a fellow Chicagoan because of a hat or shirt, remember the wise words of my boss, when asked his opinion on the City Series.

"Is that this weekend?" 

Enjoy the games.

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